I watched that certain
documentary about teachers and social workers who still actually teach street
children even if they weren’t given any pay. I do not know if I should feel
ashamed of myself, but I certainly feel admiration towards them. Here I am
wallowing that a certain school which gives almost double of what I was
receiving in my former school didn’t give me a call, yet there were teachers
who actually receive nothing. I just have too much respect towards them. I will
never have the patience, nay, motivation to teach 32 kids knowing that I won’t
receive anything come 15th and 30th. That certain documentary made me think and
reassess where I am right now.
To those of you here who have
been following this blog, I resigned from my previous teaching post because of
the salary and lack of academic freedom. I actually already gave my
applications to different schools and two called back. One is an established,
albeit, Catholic school and the other one is a university funded by the government,
thus, a state university. From what I heard from my colleague, the pay in the
Catholic school is more or less $500 a month which is way better from the
measly $300 we were making in my previous school. $500 in my country is already good considering our profession. But as I was making my assessment of the
school, sure, the pay is better, but why is the pay better? I thought that
maybe because the amount of work is more toxic than what I left in my previous
school. And also, I was just sick and tired of checking quizzes, seatworks,
projects, crafting lesson plans and fulfilling my responsibilities as a school
paper adviser. Add to that the stress that everyday teaching and dealing with
all-boys sections was putting on to me. I know myself. Yes, I can handle these
students, hell, they even run away to go their classroom once they heard me or
saw me. But it was just too much. And to top it all, once you go to the
teachers’ room, you will have to deal with bully tenured teachers who were so
egoistic but never really got anything in their teaching and classroom
management arsenal. Their only saving grace was their length of service. Obviously, the pay that I might get from the
state university will of course be lower but compared to my previous teaching
post, it’s still better. Add to that the academic freedom and the maturity of
students will be all the more tempting. Anyway, my head and the academic head
were in consensus that I was good, but the content of my lessons and the way I
deliver it is just way beyond the level of my students. So, college was really
for me.
All of the odds point me to the
state university, but goddangit, the pay of the Catholic school was just good
that I end up working myself up to no end. Until I followed-up my application
in the latter.
After one week of waiting for a
call (I was there the previous week to have the interview and exam), they told
me that they were considering other possible candidates for the position.
I was just disheartened. I compared myself to one of my colleagues who
was accepted in that same school. We both received Latin honors, we came from
the same school, I even have a higher rating than her in the licensure
examinations, she graduated in our city college but I graduated from the best
university in my country. I was better. Even if she already taught for a year
longer than I was, what difference does that make? With all my efforts? I
didn’t aim for a fucking Latin honor, getting in my country’s best university
just to be dumped have some other people be considered instead of me. Even she
was rooting for me because we really wanted to be in the same school. But no,
all my credentials was thrown out the window by that school. They didn’t take
into account how I measured up against all those applicants and all the
newly-hired. I was just fucking distraught. But don’t get me wrong, I am not
angry with my friend. I am more of envious of her. She was able to get so much
from so little. But me, I who belabored just to be where I am. It was just so
unthinkable. Isn’t it enough? Am I not enough? Am I not that good? Then where
did all those efforts go? What happened? I just think that their hiring process
was just too ridiculous.
So I am here praying that the
state university will accept me. Anyway, I already did demonstration teaching
and I thought I did well since I was able to peek in one of the panel’s
observation sheet. Still, for good
measure, I sent applications again to five more schools.
But that thing, that fucking
Catholic school episode was a fucking huge blow to my self-esteem, to my
self-worth.
I think I will never be able to
recover.
I was, again, rejected.
For no reason at all.
