Another Colleagues Rant

I am very much disappointed that we only have a week’s worth of sembreak. I just want to have that long and refreshing break that would make me actually go back to school again. I just don’t want to think of any school-related thing now even as I am planning to check my students’ outputs. My students are my source of strength. What I cannot stand is my colleagues’ presence. I dread it every second. I feel like I am a slave to their caprices. It was much made bigger by the misfortunes I had last term. I have been much distressed since then. And their looming anger at my every step scares me. It’s already been five months now since I first stepped into the halls of this new school, and I feel as if I am still not grounded. That I am still the outsider, the odd one out in our team. I always felt that my stay with them will be transient. And that come January, I would have to scout again for new schools to apply to. If that’s the case then, my plan of action is to get the necessary documents for my MA and to apply to a state university as what I was previously planning.

I just hate one of my colleagues sometimes, she is the only one I know of who has a boyfriend but it overly smug and rude. If only our students could truly see here as she really is. I do not think they would have a crush on her. I always think that this bitterness towards me is caused by what I can see as her being threatened by my presence in the department. If only she could realize that I have no plans of snatching her throne from her. What I only want to do is to teach and not to strive to please anyone. But then, it is badly needed for my being rehired next year. If only I could fast forward the two years so that I could already be a tenured teacher, I would do so, just so a big burden will already be taken away from me. 

Colleagues Rant

As for my work, well, I really do enjoy teaching. It’s the other aspects which really make me tired. I’ve always felt that I can never really trust someone. There’s no connection, really with my colleagues. I feel as if my every move is being watched as much as I want to have a quiet existence. I really am looking forward for the term exams, as I would really have time for myself. Or rather, I would have much time to do paperworks. I miss not talking with people and not have everybody have a say as to how I am going to do my work. I miss not having another eye inside my classroom. I just miss being me in the classroom. I miss not consulting with every other goddamned thing in my fucking class because it’s my fucking class. It’s my lesson. Leave me the fuck alone.

I am not physically tired. I am psychologically fed up with my set-up. I hate this. I just hate it. I’ve become their mouthpiece, really. 

Sometimes, I wish I would just disappear. Or I would wake up one day without the pressure of living. Just me and my existence.  Talking with these fucking people just drains me. Goddamnit, can you just let me do my job?