I Feel Like A Fraud

Academic discussion in my school, I have observed, are always rather limited, if there are any. And I think that this limitation which is supposed to foster academic camaraderie and critical thinking is the reason why my school is gasping for air of excellence. This is the reason for my school's culture of mediocrity. I have always felt gagged in this school, living always with the fear that somebody from my classes will tell my ideas to other teachers. I always have to watch my mouth because I might say things that other people, being numbed by conservatism, might find wrong. I cannot even say, "fat" anymore without a colleague making it a big deal. I also think that this is the reason why I can't write decently anymore. I've been suppressing my beliefs at the expense of my way of thinking. I've been denying myself my beliefs for a mere $300 a month.

It's hard to f***** shut up, you know.

My students have always viewed me as their most free-minded teacher and they want it that way. But you see, we are in a conservative institution, so I need to dilute the things that I say to them to cover up. And I feel like a fraud. I am covering up things that I believe will show to my students the other side of the coin to the things that they believed, or things that they were lead to believe, all their lives. I want to show them that the world is so rich that they need not to only see one of its facets, but they need and would always want to see its entirety. I went in their glass-stained cage voluntarily, hoping that I will shatter that cage. In a way, I have been a little successful; my "diluted" opinions were became cracks in the mirror. I want to give more, but I am as much as inside the cage as they are.

The Shackles Of Our Mind

Written while attending a boring seminar.


I have always believed that this institution, instead of cultivating a culture of excellence, is actually propagating a culture of mediocrity.

This started with a statement from one of my colleagues. She was recalling her experiences to me as a newbie teacher in our school. She was one of the stars of her batch. She was usually given tasks such as conducting basic grammar lectures to the faculty, writing scripts for emcees, to being an emcee herself.  It was also during this time when another of her colleagues told her not to bring too much attention to herself because other members of the faculty might always tell her to do her usual extra work. Why? Aside from the fact that these extra work is unpaid, people will always be dependent on her, asking her to do favors, so in the process, becomes a hindrance to what her real job is, teaching. This is the reason why only a few teachers in our department want to show their talents.

This, I think, should not be the case. Yes, the school gives the faculty opportunities, but not everybody wants it. It's because even if they depend on these talented people, deep down, they resent that quality, they resent the achievement that the person has, and that they are just waiting for that person to make the tiniest of mistakes so they can ravish that person together. Bringing him or her down. Suddenly, being talented is a sin here. So the person, not wanting to incur the sneers of her colleagues, clam up.

You don't see me. XD

We are always told to deliver, but we are not given the supportive environment for us to really grow. Our colleagues would depend on us, but we would always have this feeling that they will be the first ones who will step on us the moment we slip.

It is rather stunting. The negative energy of the academic community stifles the growth of the teachers. And it is hypocritical of ourselves to force our students to be the best when we ourselves stunt each other's talents and scoff.

This is sad. I believe that a school will never be a cradle of critical thinking and excellence if the teachers themselves are not allowed to explore and celebrate their beliefs and ideas.

Administrators are Prudish People

With all the hoopla that was UbD, I was most enlightened by the seminar my school had days ago. It made me realize that UbD is actually very simple, lesson planning-wise and execution-wise. But apparently, its the administrators who are pulling us down. 

Pulling us into the pits of academic insanity.

We teachers (who have been cheated so many times already), agreed to the speaker when she said that UbD is supposed to be simpler. We filled our auditorium with the sound of our agreement and relief. 

We're close to hysterics, actually. *sigh*

But you know, administrators took it as a voice of dissent. Well, yes, it was a voice of dissent not only of probationary teachers but also of our more seasoned teachers. So, it didn't come as a surprise when our area head (and I love her) told us that the higher-ups of the institution took offense. And I say, they really should take offense and responsibility, because if we didn't have that seminar, then we wouldn't know that we are bullshitting ourselves, and that it could have been easier if they invited the freaking speaker earlier last year.

BOOOOOOOOOOO!

That seminar caused confusion. Are we going to push on with our plans? Are we going to use the plans from last year? But the topics for this year are different! Are we going to edit it? But I'm through! And the list goes on. 

These administrators shouldn't take offense if we teachers are airing their discontent, it shows their incompetence all the more. This confusion was their fault in the first place. If they have that seminar earlier on, then we wouldn't write trash lesson plans all in the name of compliance. They told us to submit our plans in the middle of the month, and then suddenly they will invite a speaker who would point out our mistakes and then they would tell us to rewrite our lesson plans? Fuck them all. Let them write the plans themselves. And it doesn't help that they gave us a more complicated template. 

We're not sado-masochists, people. So why make it so complicated?

What these administrators do not realize is that, at the end of the day, it is the teachers who would bear the burden of it all. If you go inside a classroom with a faulty plan, then you'll have a faulty class, observation, class performance, grades, and faulty national achievement test results. And when you have these faulty things, of course, they put the blame on the teachers who are just basically following directives from the higher-ups (who fucked up the whole thing in the first place). 

So, these administrators do not have the right to bitch about us bitching about how we hate the current situation. They run a private school and they have the f*****g power to adjust the FAPE format or reject the format altogether just because they can and it can be more beneficial to the teachers. But hell no, they made us do it without realizing that it is not what the proponents of UbD envisioned. And now that they are garnering the teachers' wrath, they get back to us? That's the problem with following uncritically. Shows their level of incompetence actually.

As for the lesson plans itself, it has been decided that whatever we have finished  will be left as it is and that the proper format (of EU and EQ) must already be followed in the two final quarters. But what I am bitter about is that these administrators stuck with the FAPE format. I mean, I consider that format to be a format of some humbug trying to be more significant than the proponents themselves. Why can't they accept that that format is so f****** wrong? Oh well, they don't want to admit that they're wrong so, might as well stick with it, yeah? Christ Jesus.

Teaching is good, innovation is good, and change is good, but if you are doing it the wrong way, might as well don't do it at all.

Memory Is A Fickle Thing

Upon rummaging through my old stuff, I realized that I have accumulated a number of mementos. Letters, magazine clippings, my projects when I was in school and the list goes on. And I felt a little piece of longing to go back to those times when my life was simpler, when all I have to do is to wake up each morning and spend the rest of my day sitting inside the classroom while listening to my teacher; to sit in the isolated parts of the university campus and have a meaningful conversation with my best friends; to wonder as to what would happen to us out there in the real world.

 

I am in the real world now, they say, I am an adult, but still, upon seeing those little mementos of a past life which continuously fade away from my memory every single day, I realized that I have forgotten myself. That I have forgotten to stop, take a back step and see what I did in my life. I let my life slip away so easily, that the only things that I have are a handful of memories that I continue to hold on to, despite the fact that the more days I spend here on this earth, the more they become useless, the more I forget about those said memories, the more I become unreal.

I remember my Philosophy instructor telling us that whenever you cannot remember anything, then the event itself didn't happen at all. Memory is a fickle thing. It shifts and sways with the wind, until one day, you would realize that you didn't happen at all.

That is why I decided to do a scrapbook. 

Or even just a repository of those memories which I tuck away inside my rectangular tin container. I want to open its pages and reminisce about the things that I did which brought me to where I am now. I want to browse through its pages for me to take that backstep and see if what I did with my life measures up to my own yardstick.

I want to browse through its pages and say to myself with determination that I am real and I happened....

Because I remembered.

I Don't Like Observations

I wasn't able to post anything since last week.
But I am not like other bloggers who make alibis as to why they were dry for a period.

I really do not believe formal observations. I am a very big fan of it, because what you would do is to just bullshit the person who is doing the observation in class. Also, the students know that you are also bullshitting them, for they know what you really are in ordinary days.
I will be observed in my best class, but thankfully, that class has the most passive students. But I trust them, what I do not trust is myself. The topic that I am going to discuss is research and god help me with that topic because of course, the students do not know anything about it. And how am I supposed to include religion content in research? I am stressed out just by thinking about it, and to think that it would still be next week. Still, I am stressed out of my wits. I can deliver any topic, but research? Fuck, that's the first time I'll teach it. And I am going to teach it first thing in the morning. How, unfortunate can that be? Just pure shit.
.
It's not like my salary will increase if I did it well. It turned out good the last time I did it, but I am not in anyway enthusiastic about it right now.
I don't like the idea of other people nosing around my classroom and commenting on how I teach. It helps me in some ways, as it makes me see the things that I am doing incorrectly, but for me, observation is like an implicit way of saying to the teacher that you do not trust him/her, why hire the teacher in the first place?

What stresses me the most is including religion content bullshit in my lesson. Seriously, it bores the students to death. I just hate shoving religion down my students' throats, I was able to do it before, but I do not want to repeat it, especially when I am very ambivalent when it comes to religion. Especially Catholicism.

Anyway, it's already there. I just have to get bored with it.

Some Serious Psychological Hatred Against Militant Activists

I have this psychological hatred against activists.

The ones who are asking that our country be socialist? Oh, I f****** hate them.
You see, if you have been in close association with them for a whole f****** year, you would really be changing your perspective, and activist-bashing wouldn't seem to be a bad idea.

Things I hate about them:

1. They go to the streets for a mobilization, then after the said mobilization, they will go straight to the mall.

Seriously people, you are battling capitalism and you will go straight to that big block of a capitalist building telling you to spend all your money on consumer goods?

2. They will tell you that education is a right.

Yes, I agree with you! Education is a f****** right, but only up to 4th year high school. Because you see, you have to f****** work for your college education. You are already in college, son, why not stop asking your parents for your tuition money?

Now I can heare some kids say, "But I am only 16!" You cannot talk about college education without talking about you being a part of the workforce. Here in our country, we get out of high school at 16, which is too young for some companies. Means that you are a kid and you cannot work, which means also that you need to be necessarily sucking off your parents' pockets for your college education. You couldn't work for your college education if you are 16 right? Companies wouldn't accept you. You need to be 18 right? So you necessarily need to fake your documents to go to work, which is a big fuck you to the government and to the company you are working at. So, why not extend basic education to 12 years? Again, again, these activists will again say that it will be again a burden to the parents who need to spend a longer time to pay money. Shit.

These activists need some consistency. If we stick to the 10 year cycle, the parents would have to pay for a longer time because their children graduated as minors, so they would have to pay until these said children are already in their 4th year college. If we do the 12 years, then the parents can choose to stop supporting the child. Why? The kid can already f****** find a job and pay for his own college education! Less burden for the parents. Also, the decision to opt or not to opt for college education would be in the hands of the child now. And this certain child will never have to blame his/her parents for making a fuss out of his/her life.

Consistency. If you activists say that education is a right, wouldn't it be giving more justice to that phrase if it is the student who will choose for his/her own education? That is why it is a right, you can choose whether or not to exercise it. You can choose whether or not to enter college. Consistency.

You say that education is a right and not a privilege. I really agree with you. But it seems to me that your concept of "right" is something that is freely given and a your concept of "privilege" is something that you need to pay for. That is just so totally f***** up. Let me tell you this: Education is both a right and a privilege. It is a right because you can choose to whether to educate yourself or not and it is a privilege because you need to f****** work for it.

Okay. I went a little off-course because of that...Now back to the topic.

3. I also could not understand their socialist-communist mania. 

I mean, you want political independence, you want self-sufficiency, you want decolonization, you want a NATIONAL IDENTITY and you run your organization with a FOREIGN IDEOLOGY? The last time I checked the history books, Marx, whom you consider as the Father of Communism and who formulated communist thought, is a GERMAN. How f***** up can you get? Consistency. Consistency. If you want to liberate this country, how about mishmashing up your OWN ideology? It worked for Russia, it worked for China, why not f***** make it work for your own goddamned country? Patriotism, people.

4. Also, they really like to be identified with the farmers and fishermen.

Not that there is something wrong with it. But you see, if you really want to understand the plight of the farmers and fishermen, live with them! Be them! You cannot fight for them if you haven't experienced planting and harvesting yourself for real! That is why I really find it ridiculous whenever I see a middle-class person parroting the cause of the farmers, because you see, I am a grandchild of a farmer, and never, never did I see anyone of from these activists help him when all of his crops died because of Typhoon Pepeng! You really cannot fight for something which you do not know. Know what you are fighting for first.

5. Same is true for the common workers, say, the jeepney drivers. Don't tag me as apathetic to their plight if I choose NOT to go to a demonstration. You see, I do not have time joining your mobilizations because I am actually busy helping my father out here! I am actually busy studying so that the money that he earns for my education wouldn't go to waste! I am sure as heaven knows that he does not expect me rallying in the streets for him when I am supposed to be in the classroom making each hard-earned cent that he gave me f***** worth it! And besides, you are causing so much traffic that his jeepney couldn't get through. And of course, if there is heavy traffic, he will be stuck and it will actually needlessly consume diesel...so while you are fighting for the rollback of the crude oil prices, you are also actually promoting the products of the oil companies because the gasoline station is where my father will buy the diesel that was needlessly wasted because you caused the heavy traffic in the first place! Who are you really fighting for? My father? Or Shell, Caltex and Petron?

5. Also, also... I really hate it whenever they tag somebody (who is not in the same league as them) as a "reactionist." F***. What the hell is that? Aren't we all reactionists? That is the reason why they became activists in the first place! They REACTED to what they think are the problems of the country. Actually, reacting is what they always do. Reacting is what they are good at. How do I know? Just look at all those protests that they stage. Sure it's exciting at first, but as time goes by, they just sound like a bunch of crybabies who want their toy back. They just become background noise that people don't even seem to notice. And what is so bad about it is that they project their "reactionism" to other people as if they are the only ones who care for the country.

6. They couldn't explain how the fuck they are going to provide the needs of the people once our country becomes socialist.

They said that they are going to provide goods for the people based on their needs. Okay. And how the fuck are they going to gauge specific people's needs? Suppose they give us 1000 cavans of rice, how will they divide it among the people? How can they be sure that it is enough? You see, people are unpredictable, so what if a certain bulky man needed more than what he needs? Will they shoot him? They sure can't because that man is a part of the workforce.

7. They can't explain how they are going to deal with a person who dares question the party thinking.

Their answer is that they party will be more important than the individual. Okay. That didn't answer my question to them at all. They said that they will try to reach a consensus. Okay. That is scary, because what if I am stubborn and I will stay put? I can't be let go by the party because I will sure cause a disruption to the system that they built because I have a different way of thinking. So I think, I think the party will have to neutralize me, that is, silence me, KILL me. Then is the time that the party will be above the individual.

You see, activists, you are not the only ones who care for this country. So stop acting like you are.

You have an issue with capitalism? Get f***** bored with it. Capitalism works for the country, let our country learn from her mistakes, let her ditch capitalism if she wants. The more and more you babble about capitalism, the more and more I think that you are just resentful towards the wealth that they have.

And another thing... Oh, this did not come from me because you know, I am not as intelligent as you are, activism is like a dick, it is fine to have one, it is fine to show it in public, but never, ever shove it right through someone's throat!