The True Me

I very much wanted my students to appreciate me the same way I do. But then, given our limited contact, it would be virtually impossible to have even one meeting where we are just going to joke around. Their vitality and their joys give life to my otherwise mundane existence. They give me hope and confidence in myself. Their joys give me strength, their life give me life. And I love them for it. If only they would know how I really appreciate each of them and that the façade I have shown them in our very first meeting is just that, a façade. And that behind it is a soul that craves for life and freedom as much as they do. Then it would be my happiness. I would remember not the scores they got in the requirements I have them but their happiness, their innocence, their child-like wonder at the world. And now they made me fully realize that my purpose in the next years of my life is to take care of them, to guide them and to encourage them no matter how small our age gap may be. They made me feel that I am doing something right in my life and that I made the right decision in choosing not only as my profession but also my life.

It may sound so corny to my rational mind, but then seeing them laugh inside and outside of my classroom are the things I treasure most in my heart. It’s their life which gives me life, it’s their laughter that makes me laugh it’s their naïveté and native intelligence that  tell me that not all is lost. I don’t want to grow indifferent to them to answer their harmless inquiries with sarcasm that most of my colleagues have used to them. I would, in all my capabilities answer them sensibly, treat them maturely and to make them feel that they have a sister in me, if not a parent (because hey, I am just seven years older).

If only I could touch their lives the same way my teachers did to me when I was a student myself, then I would be happy. If only I could influence them to become teachers themselves, given their family backgrounds, I’m pretty sure that none would do so. So with that, I’ll just be here, waiting for them to grow up and realize their dreams, hoping that I may have, even infinitesimally, contributed to their well-being.

It is often said that teaching is the noblest profession and I would have to thank my students this ring in me so true.

Victory is the Sweetest Revenge

As I was scrolling through my news feed in Facebook, I noticed that I am not anymore a member of the online group of the faculty members of my previous school. It was a closed group, so it would be impossible for me to find that group unless I was invited.

I gave that school two years of my life, you know.

Me being “expelled” from that group left an aftertaste. It was so immature. I have always been a lurker in that group, and yet they would even notice that I was still there. I am inclined to believe that they took me out not only because I am not an actual member of the faculty anymore, but they resent me. They resent me because they know I am in a much better place than they are. I couldn’t think of any more valid reasons.

Well, sucks to be the gay person who administers that group.

I consider it to be the last insult to me.

However, I will make sure that I will prove myself in my new school and slap them in the face with my success. My being hired by a well-known Catholic school for boys is only the beginning, seeing as I am being monitored by them through another former faculty who also happened to be my colleague in my new school,  I will prove to them that I will shine and I will be deemed respected by my new home. Something that they failed to do in my stay there.

Victory is the sweetest revenge.

Victory is my sweetest revenge.

I Was Again Rejected

I watched that certain documentary about teachers and social workers who still actually teach street children even if they weren’t given any pay. I do not know if I should feel ashamed of myself, but I certainly feel admiration towards them. Here I am wallowing that a certain school which gives almost double of what I was receiving in my former school didn’t give me a call, yet there were teachers who actually receive nothing. I just have too much respect towards them. I will never have the patience, nay, motivation to teach 32 kids knowing that I won’t receive anything come 15th and 30th. That certain documentary made me think and reassess where I am right now.

To those of you here who have been following this blog, I resigned from my previous teaching post because of the salary and lack of academic freedom. I actually already gave my applications to different schools and two called back. One is an established, albeit, Catholic school and the other one is a university funded by the government, thus, a state university. From what I heard from my colleague, the pay in the Catholic school is more or less $500 a month which is way better from the measly $300 we were making in my previous school. $500 in my country is already good considering our profession. But as I was making my assessment of the school, sure, the pay is better, but why is the pay better? I thought that maybe because the amount of work is more toxic than what I left in my previous school. And also, I was just sick and tired of checking quizzes, seatworks, projects, crafting lesson plans and fulfilling my responsibilities as a school paper adviser. Add to that the stress that everyday teaching and dealing with all-boys sections was putting on to me. I know myself. Yes, I can handle these students, hell, they even run away to go their classroom once they heard me or saw me. But it was just too much. And to top it all, once you go to the teachers’ room, you will have to deal with bully tenured teachers who were so egoistic but never really got anything in their teaching and classroom management arsenal. Their only saving grace was their length of service.  Obviously, the pay that I might get from the state university will of course be lower but compared to my previous teaching post, it’s still better. Add to that the academic freedom and the maturity of students will be all the more tempting. Anyway, my head and the academic head were in consensus that I was good, but the content of my lessons and the way I deliver it is just way beyond the level of my students. So, college was really for me.

All of the odds point me to the state university, but goddangit, the pay of the Catholic school was just good that I end up working myself up to no end. Until I followed-up my application in the latter.

After one week of waiting for a call (I was there the previous week to have the interview and exam), they told me that they were considering other possible candidates for the position.

I was just disheartened.  I compared myself to one of my colleagues who was accepted in that same school. We both received Latin honors, we came from the same school, I even have a higher rating than her in the licensure examinations, she graduated in our city college but I graduated from the best university in my country. I was better. Even if she already taught for a year longer than I was, what difference does that make? With all my efforts? I didn’t aim for a fucking Latin honor, getting in my country’s best university just to be dumped have some other people be considered instead of me. Even she was rooting for me because we really wanted to be in the same school. But no, all my credentials was thrown out the window by that school. They didn’t take into account how I measured up against all those applicants and all the newly-hired. I was just fucking distraught. But don’t get me wrong, I am not angry with my friend. I am more of envious of her. She was able to get so much from so little. But me, I who belabored just to be where I am. It was just so unthinkable. Isn’t it enough? Am I not enough? Am I not that good? Then where did all those efforts go? What happened? I just think that their hiring process was just too ridiculous.

So I am here praying that the state university will accept me. Anyway, I already did demonstration teaching and I thought I did well since I was able to peek in one of the panel’s observation sheet.  Still, for good measure, I sent applications again to five more schools.

But that thing, that fucking Catholic school episode was a fucking huge blow to my self-esteem, to my self-worth.

I think I will never be able to recover.

I was, again, rejected.

For no reason at all.

End of School Year Blues

It’s the end of the school year.

Should I have stayed, I could’ve been in Grade 10 which I believe is a validation of my skills as a teacher, but even so, I wanted out of this place. I wanted to go somewhere else where I can grow professionally, where I can say what I wanted to say and where co-workers are not part of your everyday annoyance.

I love my department head to bits, but I think my love of her will never outweigh the annoyance, nay, the hate that I feel towards my colleagues. I felt used and talked behind my back. I felt my contributions to our school were downplayed and that I wasn’t given any recognition for my work. It’s infuriating, really, they would never say a word whenever I did something right, nay, something great yet all their fangs would be on me should I stumble a bit.

Just shows how unprofessional some of the tenured teachers could be.

Which makes go to this: how come some teachers have been in the profession for a very long time and yet why do they act so unprofessional? They would downgrade the new and proby teachers to make themselves look good, but lo and behold! They are the same teachers who couldn’t control their students, couldn’t follow deadlines and couldn’t have a good relationship with their supposedly long-time colleagues. They stink of unprofessionalism I actually find them ridiculous already.

After this two-week lull, my colleagues would report again for work. Now, who said teachers have two-months vacay? It’s pure bullshit, I’m telling you. I’ve been in the same shit last year and that is so not fucking fun. I just feel lucky that I wouldn’t undergo such torture once more.

Really, I don’t have any problems staying in the same school come June, but fuck, I don’t want to see those faces again. I don’t want to see them again and pretend nothing’s going on, when in fact, I wanted to fucking punch them in the face.

Add to that, the salary.

Forget the service, bullshit. I have mouths to feed and a sibling to support. And I need to fill my coffers. I wouldn’t mind actually the extra work that my institution gives me, but shit again, could they at least give the necessary compensation? They’re giving me a sorry $300 a month for all the stress and depression I undergo. It’s not enough to feed a family of four.

It’s flight and flight from this school all the way.

Of course, I owe this school two years of my teaching experience. I honed my teaching and classroom management skills here and I am very grateful of that, but still, I feel that it has drained me to the point that I’m on the edge of mediocrity. And I hate that. Thank you for the experience, but I don’t like the way you treat your teachers.

I’ve tendered my resignation two weeks ago and one of the higher-ups noticed that I’m happy.

Well, I really am.

A burden has been finally lifted off my shoulders.

It’s time to fly again.

Crushing on a Student

I am certainly crushing on this one student and it's fuckin not healthy.

I'm losing my mind. I know.

I met him during the school's two-day stay out recollection or retreat or whatever you call it. All of the students are divided to "flocks" and being a faculty member, I was naturally tapped as one of the "shepherds." My flock was composed of ten boys and being the shepherd, I need to facilitate the small group discussions after the big group talks.

I already know beforehand that these students came from the heterogeneous section, so I asked my colleague about them. She said that they're a good bunch and assured me I wouldn't have any disciplinary problems. And she was not that right though, one of them was a major ass that I have to sometimes answer sarcastically at his attempts to disrupt the small group discussions. Whenever he does that, I address the group and tell them to listen to their classmates share and not mock or react to anything that they say.

And whenever I do so, I notice another one of my flock to side with me, so I thought that was good. Only to feel awkward whenever he greets me when he sees me and when he gives the food during breaks. I was practically confused. I do not know whether to act amiable to him just like we were told to do, or to act like my usual snobbish teacher self. Whenever he greets though, I always managed to nod at him, avoiding his gaze. Then I found myself looking at him at the corner of my eye throughout the entire retreat.

And I fucking hate myself.

I'm crazy and I know it.

But I still found the nerve to hug all of them at the end of the retreat. It's fucking tradition. And to realize he hugged me tightest among the ten. And to realize I feel his arms around my back. With my back arching to reach his height. With me making sure I do the right hugging position as was taught to us by a priest when I also had our retreat when I was in highschool goddamit, I’m losing my mind. More fucking awkwardness.

And I fucking hate myself all the more.

I still see my flock at the school grounds sometimes (it's not a big school), and we, of course, say a friendly, "Hi" always. But he doesn't. And I am craving for his attention. It was very different from the sweetness he showed me during the retreat. But still, it makes me think that maybe he recognizes that I am a teacher, therefore, we should have distance. And I fuckin thank him for that because I can concentrate.

Don't worry about me, as much as I am craving for that attention, I still have the sensibilities to veer myself away from him. Dang, of course, I value my license more than a boy.

Still...

Fuck.

I need to find a life.

I Hate Mediocre Teachers

I hate incompetent, mediocre coworkers.

Thank you very much, Daniel for putting my sentiments succinctly into this pic. 

I have this certain coworker who just avoids every work that is flung to her. To start off, one year has already passed but still, she was not able to earn my respect. She always depends on us in everything, be it in visual aids, preparing lesson plans and whathaveyou. And it also doesn't help that she dodges being assigned in the boys' section. Her reason to this was that she was traumatized by handling boys' sections during her first year of teaching. And that logic, for me, is just pure bullshit. I was as traumatized as her in my first year of teaching, since I handled the batch that she handled, but I ended up liking the boys' sections and I am now enjoying teaching another batch of boys.

Boys? I enjoy them.
I enjoy teaching them (the fuck are you thinking?).

So she's stuck there in her little world of girls' sections and I am unimpressed. Whenever I tease her into handling my boys' sections, she always reply with a defiant "no" and a shake of her head. I still remain unimpressed. Seriously, between the two of us, she must be the better one, she was the one with an M.A. degree, she should be able to manuever herself in the boys' sections. And she's an adult, I'm sure as hell that these boys would follow her, seeing that she is way older (and wiser) than I am. But no, she avoids any kind of work aside from the ones she was already assigned to. An example of this dodging of responsibilities is when somebody among us is absent or has an official function outside the school. Usually, we will have to substitute for the said person and give the class activities. So there was this one time that she is supposed to substitute, but lo and behold, she didn't come. And this didn't happen once, it happened twice, and the teacher to be substituted? Me. I was in the city's division office for a meeting and I prepared an activity for my classes. So the next day, I asked her how my students were (since the section that she was supposed to be in was my rowdiest), but lo and behold again! She said she wasn't able to go in my class! My department head said that she was the one who substituted for me. I let the matter rest, but later, I asked one of my colleagues why. According to her, they thought that my colleague already went to the class but fifteen minutes after the official time, a call from the department office told our head that there wasn't any teacher in my class, so they looked for the supposed substitute teacher, but alas, they weren't able to find her. The ending was that thirty minutes after the official time, it was my head who took over, and the supposed substitute teacher only came to the teachers' room ten minutes before the time ends. Upon coming, she was asked by another colleague if she was aware that she is supposed to substitute for me, and she said she wasn't aware and didn't see the reminders posted on my head's notices board. My colleague told her that she should be looking for notices, so as not to be a nuisance to people.

Fuck yeah.

Surely, she was a nuisance to me and my colleagues that day.

I mean, if my head went there thirty minutes after the official starting time, then it means that the quality of their work would be subpar. What am I going to do with those worksheets? Throw it away? If she was so responsible, she should have felt apologetic. But no, I didn't see any trace of it when I asked her about it the next day. And it makes me think that she deliberately didn't go to my class because, well, she feels like it.

I could have forgiven her, but you see, she's very consistent with her incompetence.

Class Vignettes

Lesson: Adverbs
Teacher: How do you lick an ice cream?

Student: I lick it up and down.
Class: *laughter*


Lesson: Sentence Errors
Before prayer.
T: You button your polo shirt up; you're not a pornstar.

S1: (buttons his shirt)
S2 at the back: I am a pornstar (sing and dance)

Now imagine this guy in a school uniform...And gyrating like a worm.

T: Oh, so you wan't to be a pornstar? Come here on the platform, strip off your clothes. You want a demonstration here in front?
Class: *laughter*

S2: *blushes* No, ma'am.

Lesson: Simple Past
T: What did you do last night?
S: I jerked off.

The legend of Boy Jerk Off...

Class: *deadly silence*

And the girls suddenly looked interested.

Seriously, these students are too sex-deprived.

I Feel Like A Fraud

Academic discussion in my school, I have observed, are always rather limited, if there are any. And I think that this limitation which is supposed to foster academic camaraderie and critical thinking is the reason why my school is gasping for air of excellence. This is the reason for my school's culture of mediocrity. I have always felt gagged in this school, living always with the fear that somebody from my classes will tell my ideas to other teachers. I always have to watch my mouth because I might say things that other people, being numbed by conservatism, might find wrong. I cannot even say, "fat" anymore without a colleague making it a big deal. I also think that this is the reason why I can't write decently anymore. I've been suppressing my beliefs at the expense of my way of thinking. I've been denying myself my beliefs for a mere $300 a month.

It's hard to f***** shut up, you know.

My students have always viewed me as their most free-minded teacher and they want it that way. But you see, we are in a conservative institution, so I need to dilute the things that I say to them to cover up. And I feel like a fraud. I am covering up things that I believe will show to my students the other side of the coin to the things that they believed, or things that they were lead to believe, all their lives. I want to show them that the world is so rich that they need not to only see one of its facets, but they need and would always want to see its entirety. I went in their glass-stained cage voluntarily, hoping that I will shatter that cage. In a way, I have been a little successful; my "diluted" opinions were became cracks in the mirror. I want to give more, but I am as much as inside the cage as they are.

The Shackles Of Our Mind

Written while attending a boring seminar.


I have always believed that this institution, instead of cultivating a culture of excellence, is actually propagating a culture of mediocrity.

This started with a statement from one of my colleagues. She was recalling her experiences to me as a newbie teacher in our school. She was one of the stars of her batch. She was usually given tasks such as conducting basic grammar lectures to the faculty, writing scripts for emcees, to being an emcee herself.  It was also during this time when another of her colleagues told her not to bring too much attention to herself because other members of the faculty might always tell her to do her usual extra work. Why? Aside from the fact that these extra work is unpaid, people will always be dependent on her, asking her to do favors, so in the process, becomes a hindrance to what her real job is, teaching. This is the reason why only a few teachers in our department want to show their talents.

This, I think, should not be the case. Yes, the school gives the faculty opportunities, but not everybody wants it. It's because even if they depend on these talented people, deep down, they resent that quality, they resent the achievement that the person has, and that they are just waiting for that person to make the tiniest of mistakes so they can ravish that person together. Bringing him or her down. Suddenly, being talented is a sin here. So the person, not wanting to incur the sneers of her colleagues, clam up.

You don't see me. XD

We are always told to deliver, but we are not given the supportive environment for us to really grow. Our colleagues would depend on us, but we would always have this feeling that they will be the first ones who will step on us the moment we slip.

It is rather stunting. The negative energy of the academic community stifles the growth of the teachers. And it is hypocritical of ourselves to force our students to be the best when we ourselves stunt each other's talents and scoff.

This is sad. I believe that a school will never be a cradle of critical thinking and excellence if the teachers themselves are not allowed to explore and celebrate their beliefs and ideas.

Gays in School

I do not like hypocritical homophobes.

I just want to share.

I remember one day while I was walking through a corridor, I heard one of my colleagues say to one bypassing boy:

"Gays are not allowed here..."

I snickered inwardly. How dare him tell that to a student, how dare him do a Pontius Pilate, how dare him act so righteous.

Look who's talking. He should hear himself.

And what the f*** is f****** wrong with being gay? It equates to him saying that there is something wrong with him.

Or is he envious of that student who is enjoying his blossoming gay life at such a young age?

Come on, man, have some d*** and unfurl now, it is an open secret that you are gay anyway. Why bother hide it? It is not like I'll spit at you for being true to yourself.

What I hate is your hypocrisy. Spare yourself the worries and unfurl your colorful skirt now, I'm sure you'll feel better, and you'll earn every sensible person's respect, if not love.

The Dilemma On Teacher - Student Relationships

It has always been a dilemma for me whether i will put a student under my wing or not.

Ethically speaking, I should not, for it might cause some preferential treatment for the student.
I don't know, but most stories about good teacher-student relationship are the ones in which the teacher and the student formed a bond as friends.

Unfortunately, reality will tell us that it is rather difficult, because other people might think that you have a romantic relationship.

I am rather bored with the way I teach a lesson. I am smothered by the curriculum, or by the design that my school enforces us to use in our lesson plan.

I want to teach them not just language, but also little truths in life, like, let the gays be. Teaching them respect, I think goes a long way than teaching them grammar. Taking the issue about gays as an example, I cannot tell them to respect gays and the things that they do, if the whole system in which we live in forbids us to tell anything about gays.

How am I going to teach things about life if the system itself stops us from doing so?

I really want to fit my way of thinking to my everyday lesson. But if you are in a Catholic school, injecting liberal ideas into your lesson would be rather difficult. Not with all the observations and faculty rating sheets.

So, if I cannot do it with my whole class, I will do it one student at a time.

But you see, I have another problem: taking a student under my wing would look as if I have a romantic relationship with the said student. Add to that the perception of the students. They might think that I am playing favorites.

*sighs*

It is really tricky, you see. And I only have three months to impart something on my students. Respect. Respect. Respect.

As a teacher, you would actually see the real intelligent students. No, not the bright students, because the bright students aren't necessarily good thinkers. So I have this certain student, and I really want this student to be taken under my wing. This student doesn't answer the knowledge and comprehension questions during class discussions, rather this student dominates the discussion whenever I ask the higher-level thinking questions. You might not find this overwhelming, but when you are stuck in a classroom with brilliant but passive students, a student who actually thinks through your question and answer you will make any teacher's day.

I want to have a day with that class wherein they are just giving their ideas, contradicting each other, synthesizing each other's ideas and coming to respect each other's opinions.

How I wish these students of mine are more communicative.

And how I wish I would have that day, wherein they are really thinking intellectually, not to please me, but to please themselves and their thirst for not knowledge, but for learning.