Crushing on a Student

I am certainly crushing on this one student and it's fuckin not healthy.

I'm losing my mind. I know.

I met him during the school's two-day stay out recollection or retreat or whatever you call it. All of the students are divided to "flocks" and being a faculty member, I was naturally tapped as one of the "shepherds." My flock was composed of ten boys and being the shepherd, I need to facilitate the small group discussions after the big group talks.

I already know beforehand that these students came from the heterogeneous section, so I asked my colleague about them. She said that they're a good bunch and assured me I wouldn't have any disciplinary problems. And she was not that right though, one of them was a major ass that I have to sometimes answer sarcastically at his attempts to disrupt the small group discussions. Whenever he does that, I address the group and tell them to listen to their classmates share and not mock or react to anything that they say.

And whenever I do so, I notice another one of my flock to side with me, so I thought that was good. Only to feel awkward whenever he greets me when he sees me and when he gives the food during breaks. I was practically confused. I do not know whether to act amiable to him just like we were told to do, or to act like my usual snobbish teacher self. Whenever he greets though, I always managed to nod at him, avoiding his gaze. Then I found myself looking at him at the corner of my eye throughout the entire retreat.

And I fucking hate myself.

I'm crazy and I know it.

But I still found the nerve to hug all of them at the end of the retreat. It's fucking tradition. And to realize he hugged me tightest among the ten. And to realize I feel his arms around my back. With my back arching to reach his height. With me making sure I do the right hugging position as was taught to us by a priest when I also had our retreat when I was in highschool goddamit, I’m losing my mind. More fucking awkwardness.

And I fucking hate myself all the more.

I still see my flock at the school grounds sometimes (it's not a big school), and we, of course, say a friendly, "Hi" always. But he doesn't. And I am craving for his attention. It was very different from the sweetness he showed me during the retreat. But still, it makes me think that maybe he recognizes that I am a teacher, therefore, we should have distance. And I fuckin thank him for that because I can concentrate.

Don't worry about me, as much as I am craving for that attention, I still have the sensibilities to veer myself away from him. Dang, of course, I value my license more than a boy.

Still...

Fuck.

I need to find a life.

A Woman Without Her Man Is Nothing

Among the twelve of us in our team, I am the only one without a partner.

And I plan on staying so.

There was one time when four of us were in the faculty room and I found myself watching my colleagues talk about their boyfriends. And as I was looking at their animated faces, I thougth that they totally forgot about themselves, drowned in their little chitchat of what makes their boyfriend adorable. Suddenly, it was as if their identity is tied to their boyfriends, as if they would dissolve into nothingness Sandman-style without their man.

Though they were happy, I was sad for them, because in a single second, in their single smile, they lost their being to another person. They became dolls, lifeless dolls, they became not themselves anymore. They are not my colleagues, not my friends, just a giggling something.

Then I thought, "Woman, without her man, is nothing".

I think of myself as a feminist. But this remark, in this one moment, rings eternal.

A Letter to Any of My Students

(Put name of student here),

I am feeling generous this year,so I'll be giving away some stuff to some of my students whom I think has the potential to give our society a little shake - if not an earthquake.
This is just a recording of the shows/books of George Carlin. I hope you know him, but if you don't, then start knowing the man. I am sure that you'll like the guy's ideas. He is dead by the way, but we are not quite sure if he is up there in heaven looking down at us or down in hell looking up at us. Hell, if there is no heaven or hell, then he is just there six feet below the ground making the worms happy, which I know will annoy him because he doesn't really want anybody bothering him. Majority of his ideas are basically the very same ideas which I always hold back whenever I am discussing something in class, for the reason that we are in a Catholic school. Of course, we have that faculty rating bullshit, so I'd rather not share my more radical ideas to the whole class.

Consider this not as a gift, not as a mere collection of some comedian's wisecracks, but rather as a collection of things I didn't say (but I wanted to say) in class.

Remember, "if in doubt, turn left."

Enjoy.

From your totally f***** up teacher,
(My name)

I have students who are really good thinkers that it is a shame they have some lame ambitions like being an architect. 

Still, I want to give them something to make them change their way of thinking. Consider this as an explicit attempt to veer them to liberal thinking. Why give them Carlin's show recordings? Well, I could've said the very same ideas myself during class, but you see, there are some people who cannot help but put their noses inside my fucking class, and my fucking classroom.

Well, I think I tried to insert some other way of thinking during the course of our meetings...

The "neon god" in the song "The Sound of Silence" is home, school, and church, generally the Establishment. And they must start giving this society a little shake by starting to question the things around them.

I have yet to suggest to them the inconsistencies of the teachings of the Catholic church.
I really pity my students, they are made to think that there is only one line of thinking and that is via the Catholic doctrinal perspective and I really feel frustrated that I cannot do what I pledged myself to do once I started teaching: to make my students free thinkers. I want them to realize that morality shouldn't be based on prescriptive doctrines but rather on universal human virtues.

I think I really need to transfer to a public school to be really able to do that.

But for now, I have to resort to Carlin. As much as our ideas are similar, his language is much more solid than mine.