Happy with where I am now

I feel like I’ll be retiring in my new school now. I can actually foresee growing old teaching there. Wow. What a very nice vision. I hope it would happen. But before that, I have to be a permanent teacher first. But that would only be approximately 2-3 years from now which I think is not that long. I mean, compare that to the four years of my former school. I truly hope that would happen. And I would make that happen.

I have all the positivity right now.

I just love my new school.

Happy and Contented

I am officially happy with where I am right now.

I have fewer teaching load with better pay, and my new colleagues couldn’t be much warmer. I have easily assimilated to how they do their work there. And I could say that their very positive attitude reflects how their workload is just a breeze. 

It is something that I haven’t experienced in my former school. Though I have yet to gauge the students in this new school, I can officially say that I am contented. I may have some reservations and fears of the English teachers being in my class during my period, but in general, I am happy. 

I love my new school.

For the longest time, I am now officially happy. I am now officially contented with what I have right now. The only thing remaining for me to do is to prove myself to them, that I am worthy of the teaching post I have right now.

I am going to do it right, and I am going to do it perfectly.

End of School Year Blues

It’s the end of the school year.

Should I have stayed, I could’ve been in Grade 10 which I believe is a validation of my skills as a teacher, but even so, I wanted out of this place. I wanted to go somewhere else where I can grow professionally, where I can say what I wanted to say and where co-workers are not part of your everyday annoyance.

I love my department head to bits, but I think my love of her will never outweigh the annoyance, nay, the hate that I feel towards my colleagues. I felt used and talked behind my back. I felt my contributions to our school were downplayed and that I wasn’t given any recognition for my work. It’s infuriating, really, they would never say a word whenever I did something right, nay, something great yet all their fangs would be on me should I stumble a bit.

Just shows how unprofessional some of the tenured teachers could be.

Which makes go to this: how come some teachers have been in the profession for a very long time and yet why do they act so unprofessional? They would downgrade the new and proby teachers to make themselves look good, but lo and behold! They are the same teachers who couldn’t control their students, couldn’t follow deadlines and couldn’t have a good relationship with their supposedly long-time colleagues. They stink of unprofessionalism I actually find them ridiculous already.

After this two-week lull, my colleagues would report again for work. Now, who said teachers have two-months vacay? It’s pure bullshit, I’m telling you. I’ve been in the same shit last year and that is so not fucking fun. I just feel lucky that I wouldn’t undergo such torture once more.

Really, I don’t have any problems staying in the same school come June, but fuck, I don’t want to see those faces again. I don’t want to see them again and pretend nothing’s going on, when in fact, I wanted to fucking punch them in the face.

Add to that, the salary.

Forget the service, bullshit. I have mouths to feed and a sibling to support. And I need to fill my coffers. I wouldn’t mind actually the extra work that my institution gives me, but shit again, could they at least give the necessary compensation? They’re giving me a sorry $300 a month for all the stress and depression I undergo. It’s not enough to feed a family of four.

It’s flight and flight from this school all the way.

Of course, I owe this school two years of my teaching experience. I honed my teaching and classroom management skills here and I am very grateful of that, but still, I feel that it has drained me to the point that I’m on the edge of mediocrity. And I hate that. Thank you for the experience, but I don’t like the way you treat your teachers.

I’ve tendered my resignation two weeks ago and one of the higher-ups noticed that I’m happy.

Well, I really am.

A burden has been finally lifted off my shoulders.

It’s time to fly again.

Resignation Blues

I envy him.

People sometimes just do not have contentment in life.

I have this classmate who graduated Magna cum laude in from the same university where I studied. We were batchmates, but we were never really close. The only connection we have was that we were both English majors. I envy him in some ways, especially when I learned that he was accepted in an exclusive all-boys school where the pay was good. And from what I can read from his blog, he’s goddamned enjoying his stay there while I am here, wallowing in despair about my wrong choice of a school.

Lately, upon reading his blog, I was just surprised to see his unbosoming. To realize that he was still not contented with what he had was really a slap on my face. I want what he has, he made a better choice than I did, but still, he can’t get enough. He was already there, he was taking his M.A. classes already in a university as credible as ours, he was teaching in a school much better than where I am, but still, he craves.

And I feel envious, I also crave what he has, but I do not have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I know I can be like him, I know I can be better than him, but there is something in me that makes me step back. Always. Fear of rejection, fear of not being adequate, fear of the unknown, fear of everything that in the end, I always end up making the wrong decision.

We graduated from the same university, I also have a Latin honor like him, but what I never had was the courage, the guts to get what he really wanted, as opposed to me who could only dream and wallow in regret from afar.

He would be leaving this country to embark on a new world, a new country, while I am still here craving what he already grew tired of.

But still, I dream that someday, I would be like him, I would have the courage to step out and reach for my dreams. 

A Son's Love

How would you react if you saw a son kissing his father?

Now imagine an adult son doing this...Can't, can you?

It's rather surreal for my part, really. I was being a nanny to my students last Saturday for an international competition and while I (and the helicopter parents of my students) was loitering around the corridors, I saw this boy of twelve wrap his arms around his father's neck and kiss him. The father looked undisturbed, so it's safe to say that his son really does this.


I cannot accuse the boy of impulsivity, it's his father anyway (and he's a kid, so he doesn't really have a concept of propriety). But for him to show his affection for his father in a semi-public place (there are kids his age in the classrooms; parents and teachers are in the corridors) takes a lot of guts, affection, and childish innocence, of course.

Some of you might be disturbed with this, but for me, it's more an insight of what really goes inside the family. Our society has programmed boys not to show to any signs of affection to their family and other people, so seeing that fleeting kiss from a son shows that yes, society programs us, but sometimes, we need to break that programming and show people how we truly feel.
So how did I react? Nothing. I was unflinched, seeing that any boy who would do that makes the other one a relative. 


But it's rather heartwarming. A son's love to a father is underrated.

The Christopher Lao Very Late Post

In the very rare event that I watched news, I saw this segment where a man braved the floods of Manila with his car...And well, you know, the car just stopped. Luckily, the people around the streets have been very kind enough to get the car out of the waters.

But you know, when I saw the driver and heard him speak, well, let's just say that I started bitching 'till my housemates told me to shut up.

Dialogue Translation of the video clip:

Reporter: The bystander was surprised when this car descended…The car was helpless….When the driver of the car got out, he was blaming the government.

Christopher Lao:This is..ah..problem with the traffic enforcers.

Reporter: That deep?

Christopher Lao: Who will tell me? Who will tell me? Really? Did you tell me? Did you guys even tell me?

Reporter: Well, We were here 

Christopher Lao: Ok, Who were there? Who were those? (pointing)

Reporter: We were here. We were surprised.

Christopher Lao: So who were those? On that side? (pointing) Did anyone tell me? None. Nobody even stopped.

Reporter: But didn’t you even realized that it might be deep?

Christopher Lao: Wah, why me? Why me? (laughing sarcastically) They should inform, they should inform, I should’ve been informed!

Reporter: He will surely have to spend for all the water that went in to the car.

Mr. Lao is not stupid, since things like that really do happen. But what irked most me was his arrogance, and blaming the government for your own ass is just plain stupid. 

Remember about Existentialism Mr. Philosophy Summa cum Laude Graduate? ("Bakit ako?" means "Why me?" in English)

But I just let the matter pass because, you know, I was tired from a long day's work and I do not want to bitch about a random person. But lo and behold! I never thought that he has actually become a trending topic not only in Twitter but in the whole cyberspace. He was no.8 trending topic in twitter and no. 4 in the Philippines. He even has a hate page on Facebook. I was rather amused that I was not the only one who was irked.

This person is a philosophy graduate and is currently in Law school. And knowing this, he should be the first person who must know self-determinism; your ass, your responsibility; your car, your goddamned responsibility. He must have the hindsight that the fucking road is fucking flooded. His car is not a 4x4, chrissakes. Even a jeepney would give up with that kind of flood.

You could not blame the people who ganged on him. But I think the reason people bitched about him is not really because of him, it was his arrogance. He underestimated the flood, and now that the car stopped, he blamed the enforcers and the government? Any person can experience that, we have news like this before, but the drivers are not arrogant enough to blame the fucking traffic enforcers and the fucking government. 

There have been people who defended him, and of course, that is good. It was said that he was rushing to his 3-year old daughter because his wife is also stranded from the office. Well, it puts things in perspective, but that does not give an excuse to flare up and to blame everybody in his mishap.

And to that friend of his who was talking about suing people, well, who can they sue? It will just validate the belief that he is arrogant. 

He has forgotten that he is living in a third world country, and that nobody will really inform him unless something bad already happened (he has a point in that part), but his concern about flooded roads and information dissemination was diminished by his bitching and blaming spree. And in the end, he wasn't able to get his message across to the authorities while being a laughing stock of the people.

Lessons learned:

1. Eat vegetables so that you'll have clear eyesight and you will see flooded roads clearly without anybody informing you.

2. The government might be the eternal scapegoat for everything, but fuckin' don't blame them if it was you who put the car in the flood in the first place.

3. Never bitch on national television.

Good thing for Mr. Lao here, he issued an apology. At least he has the common decency to admit that he has indeed been arrogant.

Life Lessons For Twenty-Somethings

1. Learn how to drive.

But learn not to wreck cars.

2. Move out from your parents' house.

Chrissakes, move out!

Very important. We cannot be forever sucking the life out of our parents.

3. Live life and live it according to your age.

Don't postpone being a teenager in your teenage years because you might end up acting like one in your adult years.

4. Once you start comparing your youth's time to this generation's time; you're well on your way to becoming old.

Well on your way to smelling the flowers and tending to some Nazi grandkids.

5. Man up and be responsible with the choices you make.

This is actually my concern with our schools. The school culture of blaming everything to the teachers doesn't teach the students accountability at all. If you get drunk and wind up waking at somebody's house; don't blame the bartender. It is you who chose to be drunk so shut you lazy fat-ass mouth up and own your actions.

6. Treasure your friends
Keep in tabs. Call them. Find a way to make them feel that you still care.

7. Learn to fucking take a break

Learn to live

There will always be work and it will sprout up as many times as you want to pee, but you will only have one life, so enjoy it while you're at it.

8. Document your life

Be a camera whore

So you know that you happened and that you are not just a name on a birth certificate and a tombstone.

I have a lot to learn, yes, but I also have a lot to offer.

Happiness Must Be Short-Lived In Order For It To Be Enjoyed

I went with my college friends yesterday and it was much refreshing. All of us are already in the profession and it felt so good to catch up with them that it seems unfair that we need to separate ways at the end of the day.

As I was talking with them though, there was something amiss, it was as if I didn't miss them at all and I do not feel any excitement while talking with them. Maybe because three of them wasn't really my closest friends, they're more like acquaintances. We just took the same subjects before, that's all. And we're only linked to each other because of a mutual friend. I felt guilty that I did not feel anything.

Luckily, my closest friend and I bid the three others goodbye as we took them to the bus stop. And with the three gone, I realized that all I really wanted to see that day was her. And I felt happy.

It didn't feel like a year has passed. It felt as if I just talked to her, flesh and blood, the other day. It was envigorating to know that, yes, I can live without them, but what was more empowering was that time and distance would never destroy us.

Our roots run so deep, man.

But I felt frustrated that we weren't able to spend much time alone together, since we are also bound home. I felt a sudden urge to make time slow down just so I could be with her longer. She is one of the people who was able to tear the wall I built between me and the world. So, it was just sad that we had to part ways. Suddenly, nostalgia for our carefree, idealistic college days hit me, and I was sad. I realized that we are adults now, with responsibilities and burdens, and no matter how much I want to make time stop, it will always, of course, fly away.

I went home still refreshed by that meet, but still, there could have been more. I think I would just set a date for the two of us.

Memory Is A Fickle Thing

Upon rummaging through my old stuff, I realized that I have accumulated a number of mementos. Letters, magazine clippings, my projects when I was in school and the list goes on. And I felt a little piece of longing to go back to those times when my life was simpler, when all I have to do is to wake up each morning and spend the rest of my day sitting inside the classroom while listening to my teacher; to sit in the isolated parts of the university campus and have a meaningful conversation with my best friends; to wonder as to what would happen to us out there in the real world.

 

I am in the real world now, they say, I am an adult, but still, upon seeing those little mementos of a past life which continuously fade away from my memory every single day, I realized that I have forgotten myself. That I have forgotten to stop, take a back step and see what I did in my life. I let my life slip away so easily, that the only things that I have are a handful of memories that I continue to hold on to, despite the fact that the more days I spend here on this earth, the more they become useless, the more I forget about those said memories, the more I become unreal.

I remember my Philosophy instructor telling us that whenever you cannot remember anything, then the event itself didn't happen at all. Memory is a fickle thing. It shifts and sways with the wind, until one day, you would realize that you didn't happen at all.

That is why I decided to do a scrapbook. 

Or even just a repository of those memories which I tuck away inside my rectangular tin container. I want to open its pages and reminisce about the things that I did which brought me to where I am now. I want to browse through its pages for me to take that backstep and see if what I did with my life measures up to my own yardstick.

I want to browse through its pages and say to myself with determination that I am real and I happened....

Because I remembered.

Do We Really Have A Core?

Do we, as humans, really have a core or are we just trying to put ourselves into this kind of illusion to have some stability in this essentially unstable existence?
 

I believe firmly on the latter.

Human society and civilization itself wouldn't survive without man trying to put order in the chaotic nature of his surroundings.

He needs order and he needs to make sense of his world and the people around him. thus, the never-ending construction of concepts and tangibles that he knew would strangle him someday.
However, it is unfortunate that that someday also collides with the same construction of principles and tangibles.

Man, as rational as he is, cannot anymore withdraw from the constructs which he built; try as he might to resist it. thus, he constructs new things hoping that this new abstracts and tangibles would help him. But no, he ends up strangling himself all the more.
what really is the reason for this construct/meaning-making?

It only has one answer.

Existence itself doesn't have a core, humans don't have a core, there is no core.
It is an illusion man created to comfort himself.

These ideas are not new anymore, but this idea frees us from the superficiality of life. with this kind of realization, it is easier to understand suffering, it is easier to understand wars, and most importantly, through this, it is easier to accept the human condition and the mortality of man.