Confused to No End

Why do I still like you? I am not supposed to like you anymore. My colleague already told me that you are gay. But still, I’m infatuated (I don’t want to say in love, because I’m not even sure if this is love I am actually feeling) with that nose, with those eyes and with that air of confidence. I already feel sick in the stomach as I type this. But what can I do? I miss you sending me messages and liking my posts in Facebook. I think that in a way, subconsciously or not, you already know that I am falling. And in a way, it’s good. It’s good too that you will already be transferred to another year level, at least, I would be able to concentrate fully in my work next school year. I would forget. But of course, you will be missed and I am sure I wouldn’t be the only one missing you in the faculty room. I would miss your morning bantering with other faculty members. But it’s for the better. It’s for my neck.

I think I got sloppy. I got close. Maybe I liked the idea of me being infatuated with you. I know subconsciously that sooner or later, I would actually fall. And I just shoved it at the back of my mind, but still, that subconscious was yelling and shouting and moving in spasms. Until I did.

And I actually feel very happy that it was later. Or else, I would’ve made a fool of myself.

So there, I was actually already accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have already fallen for you. However, with what I have learned from my friend, I got all the more confused. It’s already confusing for me having this feeling for you, seeing that we’re getting closer. But then, if what my friend said was true, then what would be the use of me falling? So I am here left with the feeling of getting my willpower to stop myself from falling. Only the question is, how do you stop yourself from falling when you have already fallen?

This hurts.

I will sleep this through.

But I am still confused.

Crushing on a Student

I am certainly crushing on this one student and it's fuckin not healthy.

I'm losing my mind. I know.

I met him during the school's two-day stay out recollection or retreat or whatever you call it. All of the students are divided to "flocks" and being a faculty member, I was naturally tapped as one of the "shepherds." My flock was composed of ten boys and being the shepherd, I need to facilitate the small group discussions after the big group talks.

I already know beforehand that these students came from the heterogeneous section, so I asked my colleague about them. She said that they're a good bunch and assured me I wouldn't have any disciplinary problems. And she was not that right though, one of them was a major ass that I have to sometimes answer sarcastically at his attempts to disrupt the small group discussions. Whenever he does that, I address the group and tell them to listen to their classmates share and not mock or react to anything that they say.

And whenever I do so, I notice another one of my flock to side with me, so I thought that was good. Only to feel awkward whenever he greets me when he sees me and when he gives the food during breaks. I was practically confused. I do not know whether to act amiable to him just like we were told to do, or to act like my usual snobbish teacher self. Whenever he greets though, I always managed to nod at him, avoiding his gaze. Then I found myself looking at him at the corner of my eye throughout the entire retreat.

And I fucking hate myself.

I'm crazy and I know it.

But I still found the nerve to hug all of them at the end of the retreat. It's fucking tradition. And to realize he hugged me tightest among the ten. And to realize I feel his arms around my back. With my back arching to reach his height. With me making sure I do the right hugging position as was taught to us by a priest when I also had our retreat when I was in highschool goddamit, I’m losing my mind. More fucking awkwardness.

And I fucking hate myself all the more.

I still see my flock at the school grounds sometimes (it's not a big school), and we, of course, say a friendly, "Hi" always. But he doesn't. And I am craving for his attention. It was very different from the sweetness he showed me during the retreat. But still, it makes me think that maybe he recognizes that I am a teacher, therefore, we should have distance. And I fuckin thank him for that because I can concentrate.

Don't worry about me, as much as I am craving for that attention, I still have the sensibilities to veer myself away from him. Dang, of course, I value my license more than a boy.

Still...

Fuck.

I need to find a life.

A Son's Love

How would you react if you saw a son kissing his father?

Now imagine an adult son doing this...Can't, can you?

It's rather surreal for my part, really. I was being a nanny to my students last Saturday for an international competition and while I (and the helicopter parents of my students) was loitering around the corridors, I saw this boy of twelve wrap his arms around his father's neck and kiss him. The father looked undisturbed, so it's safe to say that his son really does this.


I cannot accuse the boy of impulsivity, it's his father anyway (and he's a kid, so he doesn't really have a concept of propriety). But for him to show his affection for his father in a semi-public place (there are kids his age in the classrooms; parents and teachers are in the corridors) takes a lot of guts, affection, and childish innocence, of course.

Some of you might be disturbed with this, but for me, it's more an insight of what really goes inside the family. Our society has programmed boys not to show to any signs of affection to their family and other people, so seeing that fleeting kiss from a son shows that yes, society programs us, but sometimes, we need to break that programming and show people how we truly feel.
So how did I react? Nothing. I was unflinched, seeing that any boy who would do that makes the other one a relative. 


But it's rather heartwarming. A son's love to a father is underrated.