Happy with where I am now

I feel like I’ll be retiring in my new school now. I can actually foresee growing old teaching there. Wow. What a very nice vision. I hope it would happen. But before that, I have to be a permanent teacher first. But that would only be approximately 2-3 years from now which I think is not that long. I mean, compare that to the four years of my former school. I truly hope that would happen. And I would make that happen.

I have all the positivity right now.

I just love my new school.

The politeobserver will not be in a not-so-indefinite-hiatus anymore

With the sudden turn of events like me being hired in a Catholic school once more, I will have to return to posting in this blog.

The original plan was for me to open another one should it happen that I get hired in the state university where I sent my application and my misadventures be recorded in a cheerier and looser manner in a way that I actually have to be more open as to who I really am and what I really do. However, since it didn’t happen, then I should continue writing in here to of course, protect myself and my students.

I am hoping that even if I am still teaching in a Catholic school, my experiences would be a lot memorable and happier.

Rest assured that the flow of new posts will continue, as the politeobserver is not anymore on a hiatus.

Keep thinking, be curious, continue the wonder.

I Hate Mediocre Teachers

I hate incompetent, mediocre coworkers.

Thank you very much, Daniel for putting my sentiments succinctly into this pic. 

I have this certain coworker who just avoids every work that is flung to her. To start off, one year has already passed but still, she was not able to earn my respect. She always depends on us in everything, be it in visual aids, preparing lesson plans and whathaveyou. And it also doesn't help that she dodges being assigned in the boys' section. Her reason to this was that she was traumatized by handling boys' sections during her first year of teaching. And that logic, for me, is just pure bullshit. I was as traumatized as her in my first year of teaching, since I handled the batch that she handled, but I ended up liking the boys' sections and I am now enjoying teaching another batch of boys.

Boys? I enjoy them.
I enjoy teaching them (the fuck are you thinking?).

So she's stuck there in her little world of girls' sections and I am unimpressed. Whenever I tease her into handling my boys' sections, she always reply with a defiant "no" and a shake of her head. I still remain unimpressed. Seriously, between the two of us, she must be the better one, she was the one with an M.A. degree, she should be able to manuever herself in the boys' sections. And she's an adult, I'm sure as hell that these boys would follow her, seeing that she is way older (and wiser) than I am. But no, she avoids any kind of work aside from the ones she was already assigned to. An example of this dodging of responsibilities is when somebody among us is absent or has an official function outside the school. Usually, we will have to substitute for the said person and give the class activities. So there was this one time that she is supposed to substitute, but lo and behold, she didn't come. And this didn't happen once, it happened twice, and the teacher to be substituted? Me. I was in the city's division office for a meeting and I prepared an activity for my classes. So the next day, I asked her how my students were (since the section that she was supposed to be in was my rowdiest), but lo and behold again! She said she wasn't able to go in my class! My department head said that she was the one who substituted for me. I let the matter rest, but later, I asked one of my colleagues why. According to her, they thought that my colleague already went to the class but fifteen minutes after the official time, a call from the department office told our head that there wasn't any teacher in my class, so they looked for the supposed substitute teacher, but alas, they weren't able to find her. The ending was that thirty minutes after the official time, it was my head who took over, and the supposed substitute teacher only came to the teachers' room ten minutes before the time ends. Upon coming, she was asked by another colleague if she was aware that she is supposed to substitute for me, and she said she wasn't aware and didn't see the reminders posted on my head's notices board. My colleague told her that she should be looking for notices, so as not to be a nuisance to people.

Fuck yeah.

Surely, she was a nuisance to me and my colleagues that day.

I mean, if my head went there thirty minutes after the official starting time, then it means that the quality of their work would be subpar. What am I going to do with those worksheets? Throw it away? If she was so responsible, she should have felt apologetic. But no, I didn't see any trace of it when I asked her about it the next day. And it makes me think that she deliberately didn't go to my class because, well, she feels like it.

I could have forgiven her, but you see, she's very consistent with her incompetence.

I Feel Like A Fraud

Academic discussion in my school, I have observed, are always rather limited, if there are any. And I think that this limitation which is supposed to foster academic camaraderie and critical thinking is the reason why my school is gasping for air of excellence. This is the reason for my school's culture of mediocrity. I have always felt gagged in this school, living always with the fear that somebody from my classes will tell my ideas to other teachers. I always have to watch my mouth because I might say things that other people, being numbed by conservatism, might find wrong. I cannot even say, "fat" anymore without a colleague making it a big deal. I also think that this is the reason why I can't write decently anymore. I've been suppressing my beliefs at the expense of my way of thinking. I've been denying myself my beliefs for a mere $300 a month.

It's hard to f***** shut up, you know.

My students have always viewed me as their most free-minded teacher and they want it that way. But you see, we are in a conservative institution, so I need to dilute the things that I say to them to cover up. And I feel like a fraud. I am covering up things that I believe will show to my students the other side of the coin to the things that they believed, or things that they were lead to believe, all their lives. I want to show them that the world is so rich that they need not to only see one of its facets, but they need and would always want to see its entirety. I went in their glass-stained cage voluntarily, hoping that I will shatter that cage. In a way, I have been a little successful; my "diluted" opinions were became cracks in the mirror. I want to give more, but I am as much as inside the cage as they are.

The Shackles Of Our Mind

Written while attending a boring seminar.


I have always believed that this institution, instead of cultivating a culture of excellence, is actually propagating a culture of mediocrity.

This started with a statement from one of my colleagues. She was recalling her experiences to me as a newbie teacher in our school. She was one of the stars of her batch. She was usually given tasks such as conducting basic grammar lectures to the faculty, writing scripts for emcees, to being an emcee herself.  It was also during this time when another of her colleagues told her not to bring too much attention to herself because other members of the faculty might always tell her to do her usual extra work. Why? Aside from the fact that these extra work is unpaid, people will always be dependent on her, asking her to do favors, so in the process, becomes a hindrance to what her real job is, teaching. This is the reason why only a few teachers in our department want to show their talents.

This, I think, should not be the case. Yes, the school gives the faculty opportunities, but not everybody wants it. It's because even if they depend on these talented people, deep down, they resent that quality, they resent the achievement that the person has, and that they are just waiting for that person to make the tiniest of mistakes so they can ravish that person together. Bringing him or her down. Suddenly, being talented is a sin here. So the person, not wanting to incur the sneers of her colleagues, clam up.

You don't see me. XD

We are always told to deliver, but we are not given the supportive environment for us to really grow. Our colleagues would depend on us, but we would always have this feeling that they will be the first ones who will step on us the moment we slip.

It is rather stunting. The negative energy of the academic community stifles the growth of the teachers. And it is hypocritical of ourselves to force our students to be the best when we ourselves stunt each other's talents and scoff.

This is sad. I believe that a school will never be a cradle of critical thinking and excellence if the teachers themselves are not allowed to explore and celebrate their beliefs and ideas.

The Highest and Lowest Points in Teaching

This essay was submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements in one of my education courses back in college. I felt a need of documenting how my beliefs are changing. And ideologically, I am going strong. Still, it's nice to look at my essays during these times. It feels so naive yet idealistic at the same time.

Some teachers say that they find joy in teaching. Honestly, I believe them in a sense. There is always a sense of fulfillment whenever students learn. Yes, I feel that temporarily, but just to be true to myself, I didn’t have a highest moment in student teaching though I have a lowest.

Teaching is a noble profession?

Call me insensitive, I don’t care. I think that being happy about the performance of the students is something that should be reflected about. Why are we happy with it? Is it because the lesson plan went exactly as we want it to be? Is it because the students are behaved? These are, indeed, factors to be considered, but we should think that when the lesson plan is followed and ALL of the students behaved exactly as we wanted them to be, then we have a problem. The problem is that we make them conform, and conformity is against my very philosophy that I must respect my students’ individual differences. I made them all follow me and I turned them into unthinking robots for a period. Do this, do that. Therefore, I didn’t made them think freely, I didn’t make them make their own meaning. I am just happy with my teaching whenever I sense that they grasped the lesson in different ways. I don’t want to get a high moment from teaching, because I didn’t take Education to make hordes of students make me happy. I teach you; make me happy. That I think is not a good attitude. Teaching did not dawn to humanity to inflate teachers’ egos.

But I'm sure as hell don't want to look too stressed about it...

I also didn’t have a lowest moment in teaching itself, because this would truly affect the atmosphere inside the classroom. I don’t want to enter the classroom depressed and in turn, depressing my students. But I did have a lowest moment in my relationship with the other teachers in school. I like my opinions being questioned, but I don’t like my ideas being blocked, especially if the topic that I’m talking about would surely affect the students like RH Bill. One teacher did it, and I was seething in disguised annoyance. This is only one of the many examples in which schools sometimes kill the positive energy that young teachers bring. If we are so serious in educating our students and making them think, then the school must be an institution of the exchange of ideas not just between students but also between the teachers themselves. The teachers must be the ones who must start a healthy intellectual discourse about pressing issues that will surely have its effect in education. This brings me to my philosophy that teachers themselves must be free to think. If teachers smother each other to prevent them from thinking, then they would do the same to the students. They would just stunt the minds of the students and turn them into a mindless horde.

Some teachers say that they find joy in teaching. Yes, I believe them, as there is always a sense of fulfillment whenever students learn. I am yet to have that highest moment, but I’m not bracing myself, because these same teachers didn’t tell us if schools are havens for thinking, anyway. 

Shut Up, Teacher

A little essay I wrote out of frustration. I forgot about this essay until I found it in my computer's many many folders. Wrote it way back when I was doing my practicum. And looking at myself from two years ago, I realized that being in a conservative school has never diminished my beliefs.

It was a sunny late morning and the heat of the incoming summer was starting to be felt in our faculty room.
Flux of graduating students also went in and out of the room, as it was a deadline day. At my table, I was reading an article from a newspaper about the reproductive health bill and since majority of the teachers that were with me in that room were married and had have kids, I asked them if they were in favor of the bill. The teachers gave me an assertive answer, as they felt that there was nothing wrong with it and they were not killing anybody in using contraceptives. A teacher also asked me if I was for it, I said yes, and I also said my criticism on the church’s stand. However, another teacher whispered to me which dragged me away from the friendly sharing of opinions, “Do not engage in debate yet, you're still a student-teacher.” As she was saying this, the topic was still being discussed, and the said teacher asked me my motives. I said that I just felt agitated with the church’s logic. She nodded her head and turned her attention back to what she was doing.

As soon as I found a way to go back to the conversation, I looked closely at the highlighter marker pen that I was holding and said, “This highlighter's cool; it looks like a lipbalm.” I felt a sense of success as one of the teachers who answered me took my highlighter and examined it; they really welcomed the change of topic. They ate my bait.

As I went back to reading the article, I wondered on why student teachers are not allowed to give their views on pressing issues. Sure, I am young and I still do not understand a real public school teacher’s reality. But the issue at hand must surely be a part of a real school teacher’s reality, as the topic that I opened concerned not only the parents, but most especially the students, their students. I heard their god-knows-how-many conversations about their students getting pregnant at age 16 and younger, so why prevent a healthy discourse about a soon-to be policy that would have an effect in the educational curriculum? Should we as teachers be aware of these things? Should we stop ourselves in participating or even initiating a potentially intellectually fruitful conversation? I heeded the teacher’s call for me to stop babbling about the topic; I saw her point that I was not in the position to open the topic up, but I am sure that I am in the position to open up the topic as a concerned youth concerned with her fellow youth. It seemed to me that she was trying to impose the don’t-talk-because-you-are-the-state’s-robot type of silence on me. But how about her? She is in the exact position to participate in discussions, as the double-edged sword of being a citizen and teacher is on her shoulders. She is a full-pledged teacher; can she do what I can do? She is young; can she be as concerned? The school cannot be considered as an institution in a vacuum, and teachers cannot stay apolitical for so long just because the government is putting money in their pockets. We are political beings whether we like it or not, and it is our choice to be either become a catalyst of change or a perpetuator of state oppression.

How can we change our students if we keep silent? How can we contribute in making a better society for our students if we ourselves refuse to put into question the issues that will deeply affect them?

I went to the lavatory and saw the much senior teacher who took my highlighter. I asked her.

"Ma'am, is it just fine if we student-teachers initiate topics like RH bill earlier?"

"It's just fine. It's just fine for a teacher to air her views. What's forbidden for a teacher is to endorse a politician."

Two conflicting views indeed.

The teacher went out of the comfort room to go to her class, and I continued washing my hands. I remembered my reason for staying in education, “to make myself a liberal working in an overly conservative working environment.”

I stared at myself in the mirror with anger bubbling up my chest.

I Am Understanding by Design

This year, our school is going to embark on a journey called "UbD" or Understanding by Design. This thing has been around in a while in America, but here in my country, it was implemented last year in the public schools. But since I am in a private school, it is only now that we are catching up with this UbD fever.

I already heard this UbD when I was still a practicumer in college 2 years ago, and I always thought that it is a sort of planning the lesson but you think of the assessment first. Well, to be frank, I always thought that it's only a different way of writing lesson plans.

I'm as skeptical as skeptical goes.

So here is my school catching up the fever because the Department of Education directed that the schools follow this UbD way of thinking. But it comes with a price, you see. We the members of the faculty feel very cheated of our vacation because we need to spend it doing the UbD templates. And it is such a pain on the ass considering that we need to prepare those lesson plans and we need to implement it already this coming school year. I have always thought that curriculum planning takes years, and lesson planning takes time. But making the teachers rush their lesson plans for compliance is doing the teachers (and students) injustice. If the plan is faulty, then I'm very sure that the execution would also be faulty since the teacher doesn't know what the hell she is doing. And in the long run, the students would just become guinea pigs. Basically, we are doing the lesson plans in the dark. We are just hoping that even if the plan sucks, we would be able to pull off the execution right.

My students and I are all guinea pigs.

Yes, there have been seminars, but most of it didn't really help us at all. If it did, it only caused confusion and resentment among the faculty and the administration. We have this certain seminar in the school a couple of days ago, and we invited a speaker from a publishing house to help us tresh out this confusion. Turns out, this speaker have also attended UbD seminars in America with no less than the proponents of UbD themselves. And it was most enlightening, not only did we see the things that we are doing wrong (thanks to the lesson plan critiquing), but it also made us realize that crafting UbD templates and executing it is really just simple. And that simplicity made all the difference.

According to her, all lesson are done with A-Acquisition, M-Meaning-making and T-Transfer. Now, what puzzles me is that if I am going to look at a sample UbD learning guide, it only consists of the days and the things that you are going to do in those days.

Example:

Nutrition (Grade 6) Duration: 2 weeks

Day 1: Begin with an entry question (Can the foods you eat cause pimples?) to hook students into considering the effects of nutrition in their lives. (Making meaning)
Introduce key vocabulary terms and discuss relevant selections from the textbook. (Acquisition)

Day 2: Quiz on key vocabulary terms and selections from the book
Day 3: Students work independently to develop a three-day camp menu for younger children and offer them ideas for breaking bad eating habits


And so on and so forth. The speaker told us that that is the original UbD template. And we were like, "What the f**k?" because what we are doing with our templates is, if we are going to follow this thing strictly, wrong. What we did with our templates is this.

I.    Introduction
II.    Interaction
III.    Integration
IV.    Closure
V. Agreement

And I was like...are we a bunch of sado-masochists here? So I figured this was the f***ing reason why we are having a very hard time devicing our learning plans. We are deliberately making our lives harder. It got me thinking, where in the world did our administrators get their template? They said that it was from FAPE (Fund for Assistance to Private Education), and the speaker admitted that the FAPE template is actually more complicated than the original UbD template. I felt cheated. If we have an easier template, why did they opt to choose the more complicated route? One of my colleagues said that the FAPE template is designed for Catholic schools, but what makes the template so Catholic? What makes it more effective than the original? So we felt all the more cheated by our administrators, why is it that they only scheduled the seminar now? Why only now that some of us (myself included) are already through with our learning plans? They have the whole freaking school year last year to invite that speaker. And now, they only caused confusion among us, and resentment towards our admins.

We're this close to confronting the higher - ups.

 Like our speaker said, "UbD entails us enjoying life, simplifying life," but in my school, it is surely not the case.

End of School Year Blues

I am just blinks away from the end of the school year.

And I am fucking loving it.

 

So I renewed my contract and all, but it doesn't mean that I like the school. No, I just did that so I wouldn't have difficulties looking for another school. I don't want them asking me why I left the school for only a year, because I don't want to tell them that I freaking hate the TOO much paperwork. I need to save my neck, you see. At least if I stayed for two years, then there is the possibility that they'll think the school where I came from sucks. So, on with my 2-year stay.

I have been making my incoming absence in the lives of my students felt. Today is my last day of classes with them and most of them, well, feel relieved or sad that they wouldn't see me again given that they would have a different teacher next year.

It has been a stressful year for me. I could only count on my fingers the moments when I felt that I am happy with what I am doing. Being the natural worrier that I am doesn't help me at all either. There were days when I felt that I am not human anymore, that I am just waking up and teaching these students just for compliance and for covering the necessary unnecessary information that they need to know to be unloaded on their test papers.

Today, however, I felt that I am going to miss my students.

 

But I do not want to be stuck with them for another year, so...

Go on bastards.

Not looking forward to another school year either.

Slavery Renewal

It has been two weeks since I last posted something. I promised to myself that I am going to make this blog project a habit, that's why I'm here again, my dear rockers.

So, it's already almost the end of this new year's first month, and earlier, we were already given service renewal forms. I am supposed to submit it tomorrow, but until now, I am still leaving it blank.

I want to say no to renewing my contract and resign altogether because I do not want to do the wrong things that I did inside my classroom. As rebellious as I am, I have to admit that I have been a very bad and disrespectful teacher towards my students, and I do not want to repeat the same thing again next year. But at the same time I also want to stay because I want to erase those mistakes in the coming academic year.

I am feeling stressed while typing this, I already want to sleep now, but because I need to have some time for myself to reflect, I need to stay awake. I also want to stay because I am lazy enough to find my next job. I want to spend my vacation, refuel myself and recover from the emotional wear and tear that I have endured for a whole fucking year.

Again, practicality comes in, if I do resign with only 1 year experience, then it would be difficult for me to find another school to hire me, since they might think that I resigned from my previous teaching post because I had brushed with the powers-that-may-be in the said previous school. Fuck. I just want to say that I don't give a fuck whether I have a job or not. Hell, I can live on my own without even working, not with my apartment that I am renting out.

Teaching has been a very emotionally draining job for me, and now, I am just basically torn between practicality and preserving myself.

Fuck. I so want to rest.