I Was Again Rejected

I watched that certain documentary about teachers and social workers who still actually teach street children even if they weren’t given any pay. I do not know if I should feel ashamed of myself, but I certainly feel admiration towards them. Here I am wallowing that a certain school which gives almost double of what I was receiving in my former school didn’t give me a call, yet there were teachers who actually receive nothing. I just have too much respect towards them. I will never have the patience, nay, motivation to teach 32 kids knowing that I won’t receive anything come 15th and 30th. That certain documentary made me think and reassess where I am right now.

To those of you here who have been following this blog, I resigned from my previous teaching post because of the salary and lack of academic freedom. I actually already gave my applications to different schools and two called back. One is an established, albeit, Catholic school and the other one is a university funded by the government, thus, a state university. From what I heard from my colleague, the pay in the Catholic school is more or less $500 a month which is way better from the measly $300 we were making in my previous school. $500 in my country is already good considering our profession. But as I was making my assessment of the school, sure, the pay is better, but why is the pay better? I thought that maybe because the amount of work is more toxic than what I left in my previous school. And also, I was just sick and tired of checking quizzes, seatworks, projects, crafting lesson plans and fulfilling my responsibilities as a school paper adviser. Add to that the stress that everyday teaching and dealing with all-boys sections was putting on to me. I know myself. Yes, I can handle these students, hell, they even run away to go their classroom once they heard me or saw me. But it was just too much. And to top it all, once you go to the teachers’ room, you will have to deal with bully tenured teachers who were so egoistic but never really got anything in their teaching and classroom management arsenal. Their only saving grace was their length of service.  Obviously, the pay that I might get from the state university will of course be lower but compared to my previous teaching post, it’s still better. Add to that the academic freedom and the maturity of students will be all the more tempting. Anyway, my head and the academic head were in consensus that I was good, but the content of my lessons and the way I deliver it is just way beyond the level of my students. So, college was really for me.

All of the odds point me to the state university, but goddangit, the pay of the Catholic school was just good that I end up working myself up to no end. Until I followed-up my application in the latter.

After one week of waiting for a call (I was there the previous week to have the interview and exam), they told me that they were considering other possible candidates for the position.

I was just disheartened.  I compared myself to one of my colleagues who was accepted in that same school. We both received Latin honors, we came from the same school, I even have a higher rating than her in the licensure examinations, she graduated in our city college but I graduated from the best university in my country. I was better. Even if she already taught for a year longer than I was, what difference does that make? With all my efforts? I didn’t aim for a fucking Latin honor, getting in my country’s best university just to be dumped have some other people be considered instead of me. Even she was rooting for me because we really wanted to be in the same school. But no, all my credentials was thrown out the window by that school. They didn’t take into account how I measured up against all those applicants and all the newly-hired. I was just fucking distraught. But don’t get me wrong, I am not angry with my friend. I am more of envious of her. She was able to get so much from so little. But me, I who belabored just to be where I am. It was just so unthinkable. Isn’t it enough? Am I not enough? Am I not that good? Then where did all those efforts go? What happened? I just think that their hiring process was just too ridiculous.

So I am here praying that the state university will accept me. Anyway, I already did demonstration teaching and I thought I did well since I was able to peek in one of the panel’s observation sheet.  Still, for good measure, I sent applications again to five more schools.

But that thing, that fucking Catholic school episode was a fucking huge blow to my self-esteem, to my self-worth.

I think I will never be able to recover.

I was, again, rejected.

For no reason at all.

End of School Year Blues

It’s the end of the school year.

Should I have stayed, I could’ve been in Grade 10 which I believe is a validation of my skills as a teacher, but even so, I wanted out of this place. I wanted to go somewhere else where I can grow professionally, where I can say what I wanted to say and where co-workers are not part of your everyday annoyance.

I love my department head to bits, but I think my love of her will never outweigh the annoyance, nay, the hate that I feel towards my colleagues. I felt used and talked behind my back. I felt my contributions to our school were downplayed and that I wasn’t given any recognition for my work. It’s infuriating, really, they would never say a word whenever I did something right, nay, something great yet all their fangs would be on me should I stumble a bit.

Just shows how unprofessional some of the tenured teachers could be.

Which makes go to this: how come some teachers have been in the profession for a very long time and yet why do they act so unprofessional? They would downgrade the new and proby teachers to make themselves look good, but lo and behold! They are the same teachers who couldn’t control their students, couldn’t follow deadlines and couldn’t have a good relationship with their supposedly long-time colleagues. They stink of unprofessionalism I actually find them ridiculous already.

After this two-week lull, my colleagues would report again for work. Now, who said teachers have two-months vacay? It’s pure bullshit, I’m telling you. I’ve been in the same shit last year and that is so not fucking fun. I just feel lucky that I wouldn’t undergo such torture once more.

Really, I don’t have any problems staying in the same school come June, but fuck, I don’t want to see those faces again. I don’t want to see them again and pretend nothing’s going on, when in fact, I wanted to fucking punch them in the face.

Add to that, the salary.

Forget the service, bullshit. I have mouths to feed and a sibling to support. And I need to fill my coffers. I wouldn’t mind actually the extra work that my institution gives me, but shit again, could they at least give the necessary compensation? They’re giving me a sorry $300 a month for all the stress and depression I undergo. It’s not enough to feed a family of four.

It’s flight and flight from this school all the way.

Of course, I owe this school two years of my teaching experience. I honed my teaching and classroom management skills here and I am very grateful of that, but still, I feel that it has drained me to the point that I’m on the edge of mediocrity. And I hate that. Thank you for the experience, but I don’t like the way you treat your teachers.

I’ve tendered my resignation two weeks ago and one of the higher-ups noticed that I’m happy.

Well, I really am.

A burden has been finally lifted off my shoulders.

It’s time to fly again.

A Hunger Games Review of a Very Casual Moviegoer

I met with my high school friends last week and it has been really refreshing considering the stress that I’ve been going through the past few weeks then.

It’s been a cool thing, reuniting with them after five years and actually sitting down and telling stories with them. It feels so good.

Well, of course, we burned our money watching The Hunger Games and yeah, it’s sort of cool. I actually was hesitant to watch it because I haven’t got the time to read the book even if the ebook was already saved in my laptop for a good one year since I learned it was a banned book in America last 2009. But yeah, since there’s no decent movie to watch that week, we plunged in it.

And it was a good experience. Jennifer Lawrence was really stunning as Katniss especially during the first interview. And I like her with her brown hair than her natural blonde. Katniss is my type of heroine, kinda tomboyish with still a touch of femininity. I really like her because I see myself so much in her like in the way she never wanted to be seen as weak. As for her acting, she just doesn’t have any chemistry with Josh. Or is it because Katniss is supposed to be faking it for the audience?  But still, their mushier scenes just don’t have any effect on me. As for Josh Hutcherson, well, when I first saw him in the movie, I thought of Alfons Heiderich. It’s just that his hair was parted to the other side. Oh well. As for his acting, he was actually convincing during the Reaping.  He was the shy boy being called to become a sacrifice, you can actually see the vulnerability in his actions, and also when they saw the Capitol, he has that shy boy smile of wonder again. But come arena scenes, his acting became bland. They don’t have any chemistry. Period.

But still, it was a good movie in the sense that finally, I was able to force myself to read the book. I actually planned to read Catching Fire, but I closed it after just reading the first few pages. The book really doesn’t have any effect on me. It was so unlike Harry Potter that even if I already watched the movie, I would still avidly read the book. No such thing here with The Hunger Games. And upon reflection, I like the movie Katniss better than the book Katniss, the former’s very decided and determined, while the latter is too whiny and angsty for my taste. And Peeta. He’s so vague in the books I like movie Peeta better again. Peeta in the book is like Stephenie Meyer trying to become intellectual.

I love the stars, I love Jennifer, I love Josh, but for all the hype, I think the acting is bland, unconvincing.
Still, it’s worth your penny.

Resignation Blues

I envy him.

People sometimes just do not have contentment in life.

I have this classmate who graduated Magna cum laude in from the same university where I studied. We were batchmates, but we were never really close. The only connection we have was that we were both English majors. I envy him in some ways, especially when I learned that he was accepted in an exclusive all-boys school where the pay was good. And from what I can read from his blog, he’s goddamned enjoying his stay there while I am here, wallowing in despair about my wrong choice of a school.

Lately, upon reading his blog, I was just surprised to see his unbosoming. To realize that he was still not contented with what he had was really a slap on my face. I want what he has, he made a better choice than I did, but still, he can’t get enough. He was already there, he was taking his M.A. classes already in a university as credible as ours, he was teaching in a school much better than where I am, but still, he craves.

And I feel envious, I also crave what he has, but I do not have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I know I can be like him, I know I can be better than him, but there is something in me that makes me step back. Always. Fear of rejection, fear of not being adequate, fear of the unknown, fear of everything that in the end, I always end up making the wrong decision.

We graduated from the same university, I also have a Latin honor like him, but what I never had was the courage, the guts to get what he really wanted, as opposed to me who could only dream and wallow in regret from afar.

He would be leaving this country to embark on a new world, a new country, while I am still here craving what he already grew tired of.

But still, I dream that someday, I would be like him, I would have the courage to step out and reach for my dreams. 

Resignation

It’s the end of the school year and I decided to resign from my job.

I think it is high time to leave this career. The work is too much, the people too lazy but politicking and the kids, god, the kids are just damned fucking disrespectful.

The job has drained me.

As much as I want to continue, I think I would have to find a job that is less stressful and has a bigger paycheck. Yes, a bigger paycheck. I have to fill my coffers. In just a few years time, my brother will go to college and I have to have a good paying job and I am also investing in buying a house which I can rent, so that I would have a source of passive income.

I know schools where I can transfer but I decided that a teaching position will be my last option. I would leave the profession for a while. I’ll try to see if I’m happier.

For now, I have to write my resignation letter. 

Crushing on a Student

I am certainly crushing on this one student and it's fuckin not healthy.

I'm losing my mind. I know.

I met him during the school's two-day stay out recollection or retreat or whatever you call it. All of the students are divided to "flocks" and being a faculty member, I was naturally tapped as one of the "shepherds." My flock was composed of ten boys and being the shepherd, I need to facilitate the small group discussions after the big group talks.

I already know beforehand that these students came from the heterogeneous section, so I asked my colleague about them. She said that they're a good bunch and assured me I wouldn't have any disciplinary problems. And she was not that right though, one of them was a major ass that I have to sometimes answer sarcastically at his attempts to disrupt the small group discussions. Whenever he does that, I address the group and tell them to listen to their classmates share and not mock or react to anything that they say.

And whenever I do so, I notice another one of my flock to side with me, so I thought that was good. Only to feel awkward whenever he greets me when he sees me and when he gives the food during breaks. I was practically confused. I do not know whether to act amiable to him just like we were told to do, or to act like my usual snobbish teacher self. Whenever he greets though, I always managed to nod at him, avoiding his gaze. Then I found myself looking at him at the corner of my eye throughout the entire retreat.

And I fucking hate myself.

I'm crazy and I know it.

But I still found the nerve to hug all of them at the end of the retreat. It's fucking tradition. And to realize he hugged me tightest among the ten. And to realize I feel his arms around my back. With my back arching to reach his height. With me making sure I do the right hugging position as was taught to us by a priest when I also had our retreat when I was in highschool goddamit, I’m losing my mind. More fucking awkwardness.

And I fucking hate myself all the more.

I still see my flock at the school grounds sometimes (it's not a big school), and we, of course, say a friendly, "Hi" always. But he doesn't. And I am craving for his attention. It was very different from the sweetness he showed me during the retreat. But still, it makes me think that maybe he recognizes that I am a teacher, therefore, we should have distance. And I fuckin thank him for that because I can concentrate.

Don't worry about me, as much as I am craving for that attention, I still have the sensibilities to veer myself away from him. Dang, of course, I value my license more than a boy.

Still...

Fuck.

I need to find a life.

A Relevant Excerpt

Excerpt from "The Diary of a Young Girl"

Wednesday, April 19, 1944


Is there anything more beautiful in the world than to sit before an open window and enjoy nature, to listen to the birds singing, feel the sun on your cheeks and have adarling boy on your arms? It is so soothing and peaceful to feel his arms around me, to know that he is close by and yet to remain silent, it can't be bead, for this tranquility is good. Oh, never to be disturbed again...

Aw...

Evanescence - End of the Dream (Lyrics Video)

Another preview track from Evanescence's self-titled album. Photo courtesy of erase-this of tumblr.

Evanescence - My Heart Is Broken (Lyrics Video)

This is the third preview track from Evanescence's third album. I am still not warming up to this song actually, that's why it took some time for me to do this. Anyway, enjoy!

I Hate Mediocre Teachers

I hate incompetent, mediocre coworkers.

Thank you very much, Daniel for putting my sentiments succinctly into this pic. 

I have this certain coworker who just avoids every work that is flung to her. To start off, one year has already passed but still, she was not able to earn my respect. She always depends on us in everything, be it in visual aids, preparing lesson plans and whathaveyou. And it also doesn't help that she dodges being assigned in the boys' section. Her reason to this was that she was traumatized by handling boys' sections during her first year of teaching. And that logic, for me, is just pure bullshit. I was as traumatized as her in my first year of teaching, since I handled the batch that she handled, but I ended up liking the boys' sections and I am now enjoying teaching another batch of boys.

Boys? I enjoy them.
I enjoy teaching them (the fuck are you thinking?).

So she's stuck there in her little world of girls' sections and I am unimpressed. Whenever I tease her into handling my boys' sections, she always reply with a defiant "no" and a shake of her head. I still remain unimpressed. Seriously, between the two of us, she must be the better one, she was the one with an M.A. degree, she should be able to manuever herself in the boys' sections. And she's an adult, I'm sure as hell that these boys would follow her, seeing that she is way older (and wiser) than I am. But no, she avoids any kind of work aside from the ones she was already assigned to. An example of this dodging of responsibilities is when somebody among us is absent or has an official function outside the school. Usually, we will have to substitute for the said person and give the class activities. So there was this one time that she is supposed to substitute, but lo and behold, she didn't come. And this didn't happen once, it happened twice, and the teacher to be substituted? Me. I was in the city's division office for a meeting and I prepared an activity for my classes. So the next day, I asked her how my students were (since the section that she was supposed to be in was my rowdiest), but lo and behold again! She said she wasn't able to go in my class! My department head said that she was the one who substituted for me. I let the matter rest, but later, I asked one of my colleagues why. According to her, they thought that my colleague already went to the class but fifteen minutes after the official time, a call from the department office told our head that there wasn't any teacher in my class, so they looked for the supposed substitute teacher, but alas, they weren't able to find her. The ending was that thirty minutes after the official time, it was my head who took over, and the supposed substitute teacher only came to the teachers' room ten minutes before the time ends. Upon coming, she was asked by another colleague if she was aware that she is supposed to substitute for me, and she said she wasn't aware and didn't see the reminders posted on my head's notices board. My colleague told her that she should be looking for notices, so as not to be a nuisance to people.

Fuck yeah.

Surely, she was a nuisance to me and my colleagues that day.

I mean, if my head went there thirty minutes after the official starting time, then it means that the quality of their work would be subpar. What am I going to do with those worksheets? Throw it away? If she was so responsible, she should have felt apologetic. But no, I didn't see any trace of it when I asked her about it the next day. And it makes me think that she deliberately didn't go to my class because, well, she feels like it.

I could have forgiven her, but you see, she's very consistent with her incompetence.