Follow the blog, Beauty in Solitude: The Darkness Within and Without

This is my first time to promote another blog, so to those of you who are poetry fanatics or just want to follow blogs with a similar format as with the politeobserver, then follow Ilse's blog, Beauty in Solitude: The Darkness Within and Without.  The new blog has just opened, and is now currently looking for audience for her poetry. Deep, dark and twisted as it goes. :) 

Confused to No End

Why do I still like you? I am not supposed to like you anymore. My colleague already told me that you are gay. But still, I’m infatuated (I don’t want to say in love, because I’m not even sure if this is love I am actually feeling) with that nose, with those eyes and with that air of confidence. I already feel sick in the stomach as I type this. But what can I do? I miss you sending me messages and liking my posts in Facebook. I think that in a way, subconsciously or not, you already know that I am falling. And in a way, it’s good. It’s good too that you will already be transferred to another year level, at least, I would be able to concentrate fully in my work next school year. I would forget. But of course, you will be missed and I am sure I wouldn’t be the only one missing you in the faculty room. I would miss your morning bantering with other faculty members. But it’s for the better. It’s for my neck.

I think I got sloppy. I got close. Maybe I liked the idea of me being infatuated with you. I know subconsciously that sooner or later, I would actually fall. And I just shoved it at the back of my mind, but still, that subconscious was yelling and shouting and moving in spasms. Until I did.

And I actually feel very happy that it was later. Or else, I would’ve made a fool of myself.

So there, I was actually already accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have already fallen for you. However, with what I have learned from my friend, I got all the more confused. It’s already confusing for me having this feeling for you, seeing that we’re getting closer. But then, if what my friend said was true, then what would be the use of me falling? So I am here left with the feeling of getting my willpower to stop myself from falling. Only the question is, how do you stop yourself from falling when you have already fallen?

This hurts.

I will sleep this through.

But I am still confused.

Another Colleagues Rant

I am very much disappointed that we only have a week’s worth of sembreak. I just want to have that long and refreshing break that would make me actually go back to school again. I just don’t want to think of any school-related thing now even as I am planning to check my students’ outputs. My students are my source of strength. What I cannot stand is my colleagues’ presence. I dread it every second. I feel like I am a slave to their caprices. It was much made bigger by the misfortunes I had last term. I have been much distressed since then. And their looming anger at my every step scares me. It’s already been five months now since I first stepped into the halls of this new school, and I feel as if I am still not grounded. That I am still the outsider, the odd one out in our team. I always felt that my stay with them will be transient. And that come January, I would have to scout again for new schools to apply to. If that’s the case then, my plan of action is to get the necessary documents for my MA and to apply to a state university as what I was previously planning.

I just hate one of my colleagues sometimes, she is the only one I know of who has a boyfriend but it overly smug and rude. If only our students could truly see here as she really is. I do not think they would have a crush on her. I always think that this bitterness towards me is caused by what I can see as her being threatened by my presence in the department. If only she could realize that I have no plans of snatching her throne from her. What I only want to do is to teach and not to strive to please anyone. But then, it is badly needed for my being rehired next year. If only I could fast forward the two years so that I could already be a tenured teacher, I would do so, just so a big burden will already be taken away from me. 

Fifty Shades Rant

If somebody dares ask me about Fifty Shades of Grey, I would say, “Boys, this is how your mom’s fantasies would look like.” Just to destroy their lives once and for all.

In all fairness to Twilight, it had the decency to start out as original from the mind of Stephenie Meyer. But Fifty Shades is a badly written fanfiction of a badly written fiction. You can’t possibly write anymore fanfiction of Fifty Shades of Grey in the mature rating because it doesn’t get anymore in-your-face than that.
But if somebody would dare write, I suggest she (since most fanfic writers are female) take it to the extreme. Like humping while Ana is kicking Grey’s balls. Or him pulling out Ana’s nails with pliers while kissing her. I don’t know. If pain and pleasure is the name of the game, then you have to be creative. More creative and extreme than EL James could ever sickeningly dream of.

Before that book became popular, I am against the idea of book-burning, but one day while I was in a bookstore and saw a fucking table dedicated to the trilogy, I wanted to run berserk and shout and hurl all the copies at the attendants, cursing them for “honoring”  the book by putting it in the fucking entrance of the store of all the places.

The True Me

I very much wanted my students to appreciate me the same way I do. But then, given our limited contact, it would be virtually impossible to have even one meeting where we are just going to joke around. Their vitality and their joys give life to my otherwise mundane existence. They give me hope and confidence in myself. Their joys give me strength, their life give me life. And I love them for it. If only they would know how I really appreciate each of them and that the façade I have shown them in our very first meeting is just that, a façade. And that behind it is a soul that craves for life and freedom as much as they do. Then it would be my happiness. I would remember not the scores they got in the requirements I have them but their happiness, their innocence, their child-like wonder at the world. And now they made me fully realize that my purpose in the next years of my life is to take care of them, to guide them and to encourage them no matter how small our age gap may be. They made me feel that I am doing something right in my life and that I made the right decision in choosing not only as my profession but also my life.

It may sound so corny to my rational mind, but then seeing them laugh inside and outside of my classroom are the things I treasure most in my heart. It’s their life which gives me life, it’s their laughter that makes me laugh it’s their naïveté and native intelligence that  tell me that not all is lost. I don’t want to grow indifferent to them to answer their harmless inquiries with sarcasm that most of my colleagues have used to them. I would, in all my capabilities answer them sensibly, treat them maturely and to make them feel that they have a sister in me, if not a parent (because hey, I am just seven years older).

If only I could touch their lives the same way my teachers did to me when I was a student myself, then I would be happy. If only I could influence them to become teachers themselves, given their family backgrounds, I’m pretty sure that none would do so. So with that, I’ll just be here, waiting for them to grow up and realize their dreams, hoping that I may have, even infinitesimally, contributed to their well-being.

It is often said that teaching is the noblest profession and I would have to thank my students this ring in me so true.

Colleagues Rant

As for my work, well, I really do enjoy teaching. It’s the other aspects which really make me tired. I’ve always felt that I can never really trust someone. There’s no connection, really with my colleagues. I feel as if my every move is being watched as much as I want to have a quiet existence. I really am looking forward for the term exams, as I would really have time for myself. Or rather, I would have much time to do paperworks. I miss not talking with people and not have everybody have a say as to how I am going to do my work. I miss not having another eye inside my classroom. I just miss being me in the classroom. I miss not consulting with every other goddamned thing in my fucking class because it’s my fucking class. It’s my lesson. Leave me the fuck alone.

I am not physically tired. I am psychologically fed up with my set-up. I hate this. I just hate it. I’ve become their mouthpiece, really. 

Sometimes, I wish I would just disappear. Or I would wake up one day without the pressure of living. Just me and my existence.  Talking with these fucking people just drains me. Goddamnit, can you just let me do my job?

I Am Not Going to Crack

So I decided to actually write something. Just like what I was already ranting about, I just don’t get my colleagues. How I really wish this year would already end. I don’t care whether I get another year of contract with them or not but I just want this year to be done and over with. It’s just so unbearable, this stress. I have realized in the three years of my career that I really work best alone. 

I am just so happy that I am very much resilient that I am not yet on my knees crying. God, that is something which I am really proud of here in my new school. They say that it’s really difficult being here but truly, they haven’t been where I have been. I am sort of glad that I’ve had that brutal training in my previous school that I can say that being here in my new school isn’t really much of a whirlwind.

That is why I am really looking forward for this year to end. I am just fed up with them. So much mingling. My head is not in the right space this time. They are caring much of my trouble really. They contribute and make things complicated. I’ve always wondered hoe they are going to manage if we reverse the situation. I would very much like them to crack. Never have I felt that I was part of the group. I was the odd one out. They isolate me yet expect me to mingle with them. I just don’t get them. If ever I don’t get my contract extended for another year, I would actually just be very fine with it. 

Though I do not want to leave this school with the reason that I got fired. No, and that thought is the only thing that is keeping me through and for acting to keep my shit together. I will not break. I will not bow down. I will get through this and emerge successful. I will have my revenge and I will have my time. They will be put in their places. I will have a renewed contract next year and I will prove to them that I am much better than they thought. I will be in my element and I will be the best because I am. 

I will never be bogged down by these people who knew nothing of love and professionalism which make me miss my former school. Yes, the work load is shit and the pay is even shittier, but at least my colleagues, especially my team-mates in the second year have made everything bearable.  I just can’t stand my colleagues here. They’re very foul.

Evanescence - If You Don't Mind (Full Studio Version) with lyrics

So...I just got the full studio version of Evanescence's If You Don't Mind. Well, has got something to do with my brother downloading it as a video then converting it. But it's sweet.  I'm uploading the video here because Youtube could be an ass and might take down the video.

Enjoy!

Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction - Don't Go

Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction - Don't Go
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Angst
Characters: Alfons Heiderich and Edward Elric

Evanescence Rock Band Multitracks!

I got me some Evanescence multitracks. :D I just posted it on youtube earlier but I'm also posting it here just to be sure. Youtube could be an ass sometimes.

I'm just going to post Bring Me To Life, Everybody's Fool and Lithium as I got lazy for Call Me When You're Sober.

Bring Me To Life (Acapella)

Bring Me To Life (Instrumental)

Lithium (Acapella)

Lithium (Piano)

Lithium (Instrumental)

Also, I'll be reuploading my lyrics video which youtube took down. Hate it.

Happy with where I am now

I feel like I’ll be retiring in my new school now. I can actually foresee growing old teaching there. Wow. What a very nice vision. I hope it would happen. But before that, I have to be a permanent teacher first. But that would only be approximately 2-3 years from now which I think is not that long. I mean, compare that to the four years of my former school. I truly hope that would happen. And I would make that happen.

I have all the positivity right now.

I just love my new school.

Victory is the Sweetest Revenge

As I was scrolling through my news feed in Facebook, I noticed that I am not anymore a member of the online group of the faculty members of my previous school. It was a closed group, so it would be impossible for me to find that group unless I was invited.

I gave that school two years of my life, you know.

Me being “expelled” from that group left an aftertaste. It was so immature. I have always been a lurker in that group, and yet they would even notice that I was still there. I am inclined to believe that they took me out not only because I am not an actual member of the faculty anymore, but they resent me. They resent me because they know I am in a much better place than they are. I couldn’t think of any more valid reasons.

Well, sucks to be the gay person who administers that group.

I consider it to be the last insult to me.

However, I will make sure that I will prove myself in my new school and slap them in the face with my success. My being hired by a well-known Catholic school for boys is only the beginning, seeing as I am being monitored by them through another former faculty who also happened to be my colleague in my new school,  I will prove to them that I will shine and I will be deemed respected by my new home. Something that they failed to do in my stay there.

Victory is the sweetest revenge.

Victory is my sweetest revenge.

Happy and Contented

I am officially happy with where I am right now.

I have fewer teaching load with better pay, and my new colleagues couldn’t be much warmer. I have easily assimilated to how they do their work there. And I could say that their very positive attitude reflects how their workload is just a breeze. 

It is something that I haven’t experienced in my former school. Though I have yet to gauge the students in this new school, I can officially say that I am contented. I may have some reservations and fears of the English teachers being in my class during my period, but in general, I am happy. 

I love my new school.

For the longest time, I am now officially happy. I am now officially contented with what I have right now. The only thing remaining for me to do is to prove myself to them, that I am worthy of the teaching post I have right now.

I am going to do it right, and I am going to do it perfectly.

At Last

After almost two months of endless, albeit, irregular job hunting and after suffering fits of desperation, bitterness and desperation, I already landed a post as a Reading teacher in an all-boys school. It’s just a bus ride from my house but come opening of classes and the entire school year, I actually have to wake up earlier and when I say earlier, really earlier from usual because the heavy flow of traffic makes the 15-minute ride a fucking one and a half-hour ordeal. I just so hope that my stay in that school would be really good so that I wouldn’t get demotivated and start showing up late.

I am rather phlegmatic. XD

Okay. So, if you are a follower of this blog, you should’ve read my very desperate post about me not being accepted in an all-girls Catholic school even with my credentials. I wasn’t hoping anymore either with the state university because I do not even have master’s degree units as compared to my two former colleagues. I was just randomly sending online applications, basically. Doing everything and nothing to actually get hired.

Applicant high as fuck, looking at holes for jobs and shit.

So it was a relief when a friend of mine referred that a certain all-boys school was in urgent need of a Reading teacher. At first, I was suspicious because I thought that the school did not have any vacancies or I should’ve already sent my application there before. And why, given that they were a well-known all-boys school, would they still have a vacancy this late? So, I planned on passing my application before passing in another all-girls school. 

And voila, the head of the English department called me in the afternoon of that very same day to present myself for an initial interview the next day. 

I was just incredulous when I went there. I actually always heard the name of this school, but I was there walking and exploring its grounds. And the English department head was really accommodating; she made me remember my former head in terms of warmth. 

I found out in the interview that the post was already supposed to be filled, however, the applicant withdrew. And coincidentally, the applicant was one of my friends. This friend didn’t tell me she was applying here, so it was rather a surprise. The head asked me if it was her who referred the position to me, but I told her it was our common friends and not her. She then scheduled me for a demonstration teaching the next Tuesday and gave me the topic, the audience (the entire English department!), the length of time and the level of the lesson.

I was nervous when I went home. I was still jobless and I have three options in my hands, one is a stint in an international school, the other one was the all-girls school and lastly, this all-boys school. So I was incredulous and I was already weighing these options. Still, I prepared for my demo teaching. 

Since I was given time to prepare, I looked in the internet for possible lesson plans and asked my fellow teachers, friends and batchmates for possible techniques. Apparently, all of my teacher friends were giving me the same answers. So in the end, upon thinking of injecting social science in my English lesson, I started my lesson plan. I made sure that the plan, the photocopying of the materials that fucking hurt my already dwindling money (thanks to my former school that was still not giving us our backpay) and I myself was ready for this. Especially, now that I learned from the head herself that there were three of us applying for the only slot. 

Fucking box-office.

However, the HR of the all-girls school called up to make myself ready for a freaking interview with the head the next day, though mercifully, it was hours earlier. But still, I was disturbed since I scheduled the morning for my final preparations. 

I still went to the interview though. And I was scheduled for a demonstration teaching the next day. I was fucking shocked. Sure, I can create a lesson plan and deliver it the next day, but what I was thinking then was that I would sure be fucked as hell after my demo in the all-boys school later that afternoon. And she was actually asking me to do a lesson for the freaking 10th grade which never in my life have I taught yet. I tried to bargain, but she said no. So I said yes. 

So, I went home again, ate my lunch and made my delayed final preparations that I was actually fucking late for the demo. Mercifully again, I was originally scheduled to be the last demo teacher, but apparently, another applicant would come at a later time and I ended up being the second. So, I waited for forty minutes (the time allotted for each applicant was 30) in the principal’s office and the first applicant went in with the head for the post-conference. I was told to go to the classroom already and there I saw the entire English department sizing me up. But luckily again, they were given 15-minutes break before I start. So I used that time to prepare my materials. The good thing about the classroom was that it had an LCD TV and computer unit that I only had to bring my flashdrive. There was also an installed LCD projector, so I reckoned that if I got hired, I could still bring my laptop. And yeah, they have whiteboard. As far as the facility inside the classroom was concerned, I was pretty satisfied. 

I was supposed to put an orgasm face here. :D 

And yeah, I did the demo and all of them (the freaking teachers of the freaking English department) were fucking active and intimidating. I was told that they would act as students so I did what I do normally inside the classroom in terms of routines and such.  I had to cut some parts of the lesson and explain some parts of it since I didn’t have much time. So in the end, they clapped their hands and asked me things about my lesson plan and such. But through that demo, I already sensed who among those teachers I would have a difficult time with. But because my knees already turned into jello after I taught, I actually shoved it first at the back of my head.

The department head brought me to the principal’s office for the conference and told me that they were happy with my demo, though she cited that my materials were too advanced for potential grade 8 students. She told me to wait for her message later that day. So I went home. 

She texted me saying that I was chosen among the three but I should come for the tests and interviews. I was still not hired, since she said the appointment would be based too from the tests and interviews. Still, I already had this inkling that I have a very strong chance of being in. Because of that, the next day, I called the HR of the all-girls that I wouldn’t be able to have the demo that day because I was already hired.

So I had the tests and the interviews. And I was made to report the same day I had the final interview with the principal. 

Yeah, it was a rollercoaster. I was really thankful to my friends who referred this post to me. Though I still don’t get to teach in college, still, the environment and the pay were really promising. So I’m happy for that.

The politeobserver will not be in a not-so-indefinite-hiatus anymore

With the sudden turn of events like me being hired in a Catholic school once more, I will have to return to posting in this blog.

The original plan was for me to open another one should it happen that I get hired in the state university where I sent my application and my misadventures be recorded in a cheerier and looser manner in a way that I actually have to be more open as to who I really am and what I really do. However, since it didn’t happen, then I should continue writing in here to of course, protect myself and my students.

I am hoping that even if I am still teaching in a Catholic school, my experiences would be a lot memorable and happier.

Rest assured that the flow of new posts will continue, as the politeobserver is not anymore on a hiatus.

Keep thinking, be curious, continue the wonder.

The Very Late American Idol Season 11 Review

I know that this post was really, really late but I am still going to post this nonetheless.

I was planning on not watching American Idol for this season seeing the travesty that was Season 10 wherein I thought that the rock poser James Durbin had a very very great chance of winning and I actually stopped watching after Haley Reinhart got eliminated. However, the media was pimping up Jessica Sanchez so I started watching.

The voting system is rigged because Scotty won last season. And yeah, he looked like MADdie.

So here is what I think of the contestants for American Idol season 11. But I started watching in the Top 8 performance night so I’ll start with…

Heejun Han – can’t really say much about him. But he doesn’t have charisma and even a powerful voice to suffice. He just really didn’t make a mark because I only watched him once. 

DeAndre Brackensick- I’m annoyed with his falsetto. Falsetto is good in some parts of songs but it just doesn’t sound good if you sing an entire song using it. But I have to admit that his whole voice sounds good. I wish he could’ve used that to strengthen his chances of staying longer.

Colton Dixon – He is the James Durbin of this season. And not because of the talent. Colton’s similarity with Durbin lies in the fact that the former e is also a rock poser. He was a travesty of what Durbin was last season. Sure, Durbin was also a poser, but does he have fucking sick vocals. Unlike Colton who tries so hard to rock it makes me want to puke (that Lady Gaga cover was overdone and was so forced). He also knows that he is cute and does he know how to use it whenever he looks at the camera. God, I just don’t like him. Though Philipps can’t hold a candle to him in terms of vocals, well, he at least is not as irritating as him.

Elise Testone – She is my favorite among the girls. But god, she was so inconsistent that it was actually not a surprise when she got eliminated. I like her smooth and soothing voice and her runs were just sick. However, the only performance I liked from her was her version of “Whole Lotta Love.” Sure, the song was just wrong since it was about sex in the perspective of a man, but she killed that one. Sure, Lambert killed this song too before and killed it with his atmospheric voice, but Elise gave justice to it by paying tribute to the classic that it was. And yeah, I love her scream. I find it ironic though that she got eliminated during the Queen week, seeing as her voice really soars whenever she does rock songs. I hope though that somebody would sign her up. We definitely need female rockers like her.

Skylar Laine – She is a good singer, hands down, but I just don’t like her and I just don’t know why.  Maybe because of her vocals that, I don’t know, it just sounds to scream-y and screechy it’s uncomfortable.

Hollie Cavanagh – Vocally speaking, I also do not like her. Skylar’s better. She can’t belt, she actually shouts those high notes. Enough said.

Joshua Ledet – Well, hands down to him. People might say that they don’t like him because he screams and all. But that’s what makes his voice unique. He can shout and scream a fucking note without going off-key or sounding too much. And we should also note the fact that his lower register is just as fucking gorgeous. So it was rather a let-down that America let him go.

Jessica Sanchez – Fucking powerhouse vocals. If she were in my country, she would have won. I can’t say anything anymore about her. People might say she’s boring and shit, still whenever she sings, the audience just gets captivated. And yeah, I liked her rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner during Pacquiao’s fight. It really roused nationalistic tendencies (okay, that’s not about AI). Oh well.

Philip Philipps – Okay. His voice his good, but vocally, he doesn’t hold a candle to Jessica. So as to why he won just blows me to no end. 

I was actually rooting for a Jessica – Joshua face-off with either of the two winning because, come’ on, both of them are talented, talented vocalists that I would actually not mind the other one losing because the one who would win would still deserve it. It’s actually a win-win situation should that have happened. They would have both deserved it. So, I was truly disappointed that Joshua got eliminated before the finale because right there and then I knew that it would be Philipps that would win and not Jessica. Right then and there I knew that the fangirls will choose a non-threatening Philipps over a much more fucking talented Jessica. And I decided to stop watching. I didn’t watch the finale nor got interested in the results. 

So much for fucking letting the voters vote to no end. Good going again, American Idol.

P.S. Jessica and Philip look cute together. XD So for that, here's a picture of them.

I ship them. :D *fan squeal*

The Polite Observer's Not-So-Indefinite Hiatus

I cannot wait to be accepted in my next teaching post. This is the reset that I have been wanting for almost two years now.

Come that day, I will have to leave this blog. This blog has been a huge help for me, I was able to air out all the negative things that was happening to me inside the classroom that I cannot in the world post in social networks. I will have to start a new one. One, I was thinking, that will air all the positive things that will happen to me in my new school or new university. I am really hoping that all will turn out very well in my new school financially and professionally.

I am actually still thinking about returning to this blog if something bad happens. But I am hoping against hope that nothing bad will happen that I actually have to return writing and posting here.  I am all for a fresh new start, a clean slate and a lot of good memories.

Remain thoughtful, remain intelligent. 

I Was Again Rejected

I watched that certain documentary about teachers and social workers who still actually teach street children even if they weren’t given any pay. I do not know if I should feel ashamed of myself, but I certainly feel admiration towards them. Here I am wallowing that a certain school which gives almost double of what I was receiving in my former school didn’t give me a call, yet there were teachers who actually receive nothing. I just have too much respect towards them. I will never have the patience, nay, motivation to teach 32 kids knowing that I won’t receive anything come 15th and 30th. That certain documentary made me think and reassess where I am right now.

To those of you here who have been following this blog, I resigned from my previous teaching post because of the salary and lack of academic freedom. I actually already gave my applications to different schools and two called back. One is an established, albeit, Catholic school and the other one is a university funded by the government, thus, a state university. From what I heard from my colleague, the pay in the Catholic school is more or less $500 a month which is way better from the measly $300 we were making in my previous school. $500 in my country is already good considering our profession. But as I was making my assessment of the school, sure, the pay is better, but why is the pay better? I thought that maybe because the amount of work is more toxic than what I left in my previous school. And also, I was just sick and tired of checking quizzes, seatworks, projects, crafting lesson plans and fulfilling my responsibilities as a school paper adviser. Add to that the stress that everyday teaching and dealing with all-boys sections was putting on to me. I know myself. Yes, I can handle these students, hell, they even run away to go their classroom once they heard me or saw me. But it was just too much. And to top it all, once you go to the teachers’ room, you will have to deal with bully tenured teachers who were so egoistic but never really got anything in their teaching and classroom management arsenal. Their only saving grace was their length of service.  Obviously, the pay that I might get from the state university will of course be lower but compared to my previous teaching post, it’s still better. Add to that the academic freedom and the maturity of students will be all the more tempting. Anyway, my head and the academic head were in consensus that I was good, but the content of my lessons and the way I deliver it is just way beyond the level of my students. So, college was really for me.

All of the odds point me to the state university, but goddangit, the pay of the Catholic school was just good that I end up working myself up to no end. Until I followed-up my application in the latter.

After one week of waiting for a call (I was there the previous week to have the interview and exam), they told me that they were considering other possible candidates for the position.

I was just disheartened.  I compared myself to one of my colleagues who was accepted in that same school. We both received Latin honors, we came from the same school, I even have a higher rating than her in the licensure examinations, she graduated in our city college but I graduated from the best university in my country. I was better. Even if she already taught for a year longer than I was, what difference does that make? With all my efforts? I didn’t aim for a fucking Latin honor, getting in my country’s best university just to be dumped have some other people be considered instead of me. Even she was rooting for me because we really wanted to be in the same school. But no, all my credentials was thrown out the window by that school. They didn’t take into account how I measured up against all those applicants and all the newly-hired. I was just fucking distraught. But don’t get me wrong, I am not angry with my friend. I am more of envious of her. She was able to get so much from so little. But me, I who belabored just to be where I am. It was just so unthinkable. Isn’t it enough? Am I not enough? Am I not that good? Then where did all those efforts go? What happened? I just think that their hiring process was just too ridiculous.

So I am here praying that the state university will accept me. Anyway, I already did demonstration teaching and I thought I did well since I was able to peek in one of the panel’s observation sheet.  Still, for good measure, I sent applications again to five more schools.

But that thing, that fucking Catholic school episode was a fucking huge blow to my self-esteem, to my self-worth.

I think I will never be able to recover.

I was, again, rejected.

For no reason at all.

End of School Year Blues

It’s the end of the school year.

Should I have stayed, I could’ve been in Grade 10 which I believe is a validation of my skills as a teacher, but even so, I wanted out of this place. I wanted to go somewhere else where I can grow professionally, where I can say what I wanted to say and where co-workers are not part of your everyday annoyance.

I love my department head to bits, but I think my love of her will never outweigh the annoyance, nay, the hate that I feel towards my colleagues. I felt used and talked behind my back. I felt my contributions to our school were downplayed and that I wasn’t given any recognition for my work. It’s infuriating, really, they would never say a word whenever I did something right, nay, something great yet all their fangs would be on me should I stumble a bit.

Just shows how unprofessional some of the tenured teachers could be.

Which makes go to this: how come some teachers have been in the profession for a very long time and yet why do they act so unprofessional? They would downgrade the new and proby teachers to make themselves look good, but lo and behold! They are the same teachers who couldn’t control their students, couldn’t follow deadlines and couldn’t have a good relationship with their supposedly long-time colleagues. They stink of unprofessionalism I actually find them ridiculous already.

After this two-week lull, my colleagues would report again for work. Now, who said teachers have two-months vacay? It’s pure bullshit, I’m telling you. I’ve been in the same shit last year and that is so not fucking fun. I just feel lucky that I wouldn’t undergo such torture once more.

Really, I don’t have any problems staying in the same school come June, but fuck, I don’t want to see those faces again. I don’t want to see them again and pretend nothing’s going on, when in fact, I wanted to fucking punch them in the face.

Add to that, the salary.

Forget the service, bullshit. I have mouths to feed and a sibling to support. And I need to fill my coffers. I wouldn’t mind actually the extra work that my institution gives me, but shit again, could they at least give the necessary compensation? They’re giving me a sorry $300 a month for all the stress and depression I undergo. It’s not enough to feed a family of four.

It’s flight and flight from this school all the way.

Of course, I owe this school two years of my teaching experience. I honed my teaching and classroom management skills here and I am very grateful of that, but still, I feel that it has drained me to the point that I’m on the edge of mediocrity. And I hate that. Thank you for the experience, but I don’t like the way you treat your teachers.

I’ve tendered my resignation two weeks ago and one of the higher-ups noticed that I’m happy.

Well, I really am.

A burden has been finally lifted off my shoulders.

It’s time to fly again.

A Hunger Games Review of a Very Casual Moviegoer

I met with my high school friends last week and it has been really refreshing considering the stress that I’ve been going through the past few weeks then.

It’s been a cool thing, reuniting with them after five years and actually sitting down and telling stories with them. It feels so good.

Well, of course, we burned our money watching The Hunger Games and yeah, it’s sort of cool. I actually was hesitant to watch it because I haven’t got the time to read the book even if the ebook was already saved in my laptop for a good one year since I learned it was a banned book in America last 2009. But yeah, since there’s no decent movie to watch that week, we plunged in it.

And it was a good experience. Jennifer Lawrence was really stunning as Katniss especially during the first interview. And I like her with her brown hair than her natural blonde. Katniss is my type of heroine, kinda tomboyish with still a touch of femininity. I really like her because I see myself so much in her like in the way she never wanted to be seen as weak. As for her acting, she just doesn’t have any chemistry with Josh. Or is it because Katniss is supposed to be faking it for the audience?  But still, their mushier scenes just don’t have any effect on me. As for Josh Hutcherson, well, when I first saw him in the movie, I thought of Alfons Heiderich. It’s just that his hair was parted to the other side. Oh well. As for his acting, he was actually convincing during the Reaping.  He was the shy boy being called to become a sacrifice, you can actually see the vulnerability in his actions, and also when they saw the Capitol, he has that shy boy smile of wonder again. But come arena scenes, his acting became bland. They don’t have any chemistry. Period.

But still, it was a good movie in the sense that finally, I was able to force myself to read the book. I actually planned to read Catching Fire, but I closed it after just reading the first few pages. The book really doesn’t have any effect on me. It was so unlike Harry Potter that even if I already watched the movie, I would still avidly read the book. No such thing here with The Hunger Games. And upon reflection, I like the movie Katniss better than the book Katniss, the former’s very decided and determined, while the latter is too whiny and angsty for my taste. And Peeta. He’s so vague in the books I like movie Peeta better again. Peeta in the book is like Stephenie Meyer trying to become intellectual.

I love the stars, I love Jennifer, I love Josh, but for all the hype, I think the acting is bland, unconvincing.
Still, it’s worth your penny.