I envy him.
People sometimes just do not have
contentment in life.
I have this classmate who
graduated Magna cum laude in from the same university where I studied. We were
batchmates, but we were never really close. The only connection we have was
that we were both English majors. I envy him in some ways, especially when I
learned that he was accepted in an exclusive all-boys school where the pay was
good. And from what I can read from his blog, he’s goddamned enjoying his stay
there while I am here, wallowing in despair about my wrong choice of a school.
Lately, upon reading his blog, I
was just surprised to see his unbosoming. To realize that he was still not
contented with what he had was really a slap on my face. I want what he has, he
made a better choice than I did, but still, he can’t get enough. He was already
there, he was taking his M.A. classes already in a university as credible as
ours, he was teaching in a school much better than where I am, but still, he
craves.
And I feel envious, I also crave
what he has, but I do not have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I
know I can be like him, I know I can be better than him, but there is something
in me that makes me step back. Always. Fear of rejection, fear of not being
adequate, fear of the unknown, fear of everything that in the end, I always end
up making the wrong decision.
We graduated from the same
university, I also have a Latin honor like him, but what I never had was the
courage, the guts to get what he really wanted, as opposed to me who could only
dream and wallow in regret from afar.
He would be leaving this country
to embark on a new world, a new country, while I am still here craving what he
already grew tired of.
But still, I dream that someday,
I would be like him, I would have the courage to step out and reach for my
dreams.
