Crushing on a Student

I am certainly crushing on this one student and it's fuckin not healthy.

I'm losing my mind. I know.

I met him during the school's two-day stay out recollection or retreat or whatever you call it. All of the students are divided to "flocks" and being a faculty member, I was naturally tapped as one of the "shepherds." My flock was composed of ten boys and being the shepherd, I need to facilitate the small group discussions after the big group talks.

I already know beforehand that these students came from the heterogeneous section, so I asked my colleague about them. She said that they're a good bunch and assured me I wouldn't have any disciplinary problems. And she was not that right though, one of them was a major ass that I have to sometimes answer sarcastically at his attempts to disrupt the small group discussions. Whenever he does that, I address the group and tell them to listen to their classmates share and not mock or react to anything that they say.

And whenever I do so, I notice another one of my flock to side with me, so I thought that was good. Only to feel awkward whenever he greets me when he sees me and when he gives the food during breaks. I was practically confused. I do not know whether to act amiable to him just like we were told to do, or to act like my usual snobbish teacher self. Whenever he greets though, I always managed to nod at him, avoiding his gaze. Then I found myself looking at him at the corner of my eye throughout the entire retreat.

And I fucking hate myself.

I'm crazy and I know it.

But I still found the nerve to hug all of them at the end of the retreat. It's fucking tradition. And to realize he hugged me tightest among the ten. And to realize I feel his arms around my back. With my back arching to reach his height. With me making sure I do the right hugging position as was taught to us by a priest when I also had our retreat when I was in highschool goddamit, I’m losing my mind. More fucking awkwardness.

And I fucking hate myself all the more.

I still see my flock at the school grounds sometimes (it's not a big school), and we, of course, say a friendly, "Hi" always. But he doesn't. And I am craving for his attention. It was very different from the sweetness he showed me during the retreat. But still, it makes me think that maybe he recognizes that I am a teacher, therefore, we should have distance. And I fuckin thank him for that because I can concentrate.

Don't worry about me, as much as I am craving for that attention, I still have the sensibilities to veer myself away from him. Dang, of course, I value my license more than a boy.

Still...

Fuck.

I need to find a life.