Follow the blog, Beauty in Solitude: The Darkness Within and Without

This is my first time to promote another blog, so to those of you who are poetry fanatics or just want to follow blogs with a similar format as with the politeobserver, then follow Ilse's blog, Beauty in Solitude: The Darkness Within and Without.  The new blog has just opened, and is now currently looking for audience for her poetry. Deep, dark and twisted as it goes. :) 

Confused to No End

Why do I still like you? I am not supposed to like you anymore. My colleague already told me that you are gay. But still, I’m infatuated (I don’t want to say in love, because I’m not even sure if this is love I am actually feeling) with that nose, with those eyes and with that air of confidence. I already feel sick in the stomach as I type this. But what can I do? I miss you sending me messages and liking my posts in Facebook. I think that in a way, subconsciously or not, you already know that I am falling. And in a way, it’s good. It’s good too that you will already be transferred to another year level, at least, I would be able to concentrate fully in my work next school year. I would forget. But of course, you will be missed and I am sure I wouldn’t be the only one missing you in the faculty room. I would miss your morning bantering with other faculty members. But it’s for the better. It’s for my neck.

I think I got sloppy. I got close. Maybe I liked the idea of me being infatuated with you. I know subconsciously that sooner or later, I would actually fall. And I just shoved it at the back of my mind, but still, that subconscious was yelling and shouting and moving in spasms. Until I did.

And I actually feel very happy that it was later. Or else, I would’ve made a fool of myself.

So there, I was actually already accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I might have already fallen for you. However, with what I have learned from my friend, I got all the more confused. It’s already confusing for me having this feeling for you, seeing that we’re getting closer. But then, if what my friend said was true, then what would be the use of me falling? So I am here left with the feeling of getting my willpower to stop myself from falling. Only the question is, how do you stop yourself from falling when you have already fallen?

This hurts.

I will sleep this through.

But I am still confused.

Another Colleagues Rant

I am very much disappointed that we only have a week’s worth of sembreak. I just want to have that long and refreshing break that would make me actually go back to school again. I just don’t want to think of any school-related thing now even as I am planning to check my students’ outputs. My students are my source of strength. What I cannot stand is my colleagues’ presence. I dread it every second. I feel like I am a slave to their caprices. It was much made bigger by the misfortunes I had last term. I have been much distressed since then. And their looming anger at my every step scares me. It’s already been five months now since I first stepped into the halls of this new school, and I feel as if I am still not grounded. That I am still the outsider, the odd one out in our team. I always felt that my stay with them will be transient. And that come January, I would have to scout again for new schools to apply to. If that’s the case then, my plan of action is to get the necessary documents for my MA and to apply to a state university as what I was previously planning.

I just hate one of my colleagues sometimes, she is the only one I know of who has a boyfriend but it overly smug and rude. If only our students could truly see here as she really is. I do not think they would have a crush on her. I always think that this bitterness towards me is caused by what I can see as her being threatened by my presence in the department. If only she could realize that I have no plans of snatching her throne from her. What I only want to do is to teach and not to strive to please anyone. But then, it is badly needed for my being rehired next year. If only I could fast forward the two years so that I could already be a tenured teacher, I would do so, just so a big burden will already be taken away from me. 

Fifty Shades Rant

If somebody dares ask me about Fifty Shades of Grey, I would say, “Boys, this is how your mom’s fantasies would look like.” Just to destroy their lives once and for all.

In all fairness to Twilight, it had the decency to start out as original from the mind of Stephenie Meyer. But Fifty Shades is a badly written fanfiction of a badly written fiction. You can’t possibly write anymore fanfiction of Fifty Shades of Grey in the mature rating because it doesn’t get anymore in-your-face than that.
But if somebody would dare write, I suggest she (since most fanfic writers are female) take it to the extreme. Like humping while Ana is kicking Grey’s balls. Or him pulling out Ana’s nails with pliers while kissing her. I don’t know. If pain and pleasure is the name of the game, then you have to be creative. More creative and extreme than EL James could ever sickeningly dream of.

Before that book became popular, I am against the idea of book-burning, but one day while I was in a bookstore and saw a fucking table dedicated to the trilogy, I wanted to run berserk and shout and hurl all the copies at the attendants, cursing them for “honoring”  the book by putting it in the fucking entrance of the store of all the places.

The True Me

I very much wanted my students to appreciate me the same way I do. But then, given our limited contact, it would be virtually impossible to have even one meeting where we are just going to joke around. Their vitality and their joys give life to my otherwise mundane existence. They give me hope and confidence in myself. Their joys give me strength, their life give me life. And I love them for it. If only they would know how I really appreciate each of them and that the façade I have shown them in our very first meeting is just that, a façade. And that behind it is a soul that craves for life and freedom as much as they do. Then it would be my happiness. I would remember not the scores they got in the requirements I have them but their happiness, their innocence, their child-like wonder at the world. And now they made me fully realize that my purpose in the next years of my life is to take care of them, to guide them and to encourage them no matter how small our age gap may be. They made me feel that I am doing something right in my life and that I made the right decision in choosing not only as my profession but also my life.

It may sound so corny to my rational mind, but then seeing them laugh inside and outside of my classroom are the things I treasure most in my heart. It’s their life which gives me life, it’s their laughter that makes me laugh it’s their naïveté and native intelligence that  tell me that not all is lost. I don’t want to grow indifferent to them to answer their harmless inquiries with sarcasm that most of my colleagues have used to them. I would, in all my capabilities answer them sensibly, treat them maturely and to make them feel that they have a sister in me, if not a parent (because hey, I am just seven years older).

If only I could touch their lives the same way my teachers did to me when I was a student myself, then I would be happy. If only I could influence them to become teachers themselves, given their family backgrounds, I’m pretty sure that none would do so. So with that, I’ll just be here, waiting for them to grow up and realize their dreams, hoping that I may have, even infinitesimally, contributed to their well-being.

It is often said that teaching is the noblest profession and I would have to thank my students this ring in me so true.

Colleagues Rant

As for my work, well, I really do enjoy teaching. It’s the other aspects which really make me tired. I’ve always felt that I can never really trust someone. There’s no connection, really with my colleagues. I feel as if my every move is being watched as much as I want to have a quiet existence. I really am looking forward for the term exams, as I would really have time for myself. Or rather, I would have much time to do paperworks. I miss not talking with people and not have everybody have a say as to how I am going to do my work. I miss not having another eye inside my classroom. I just miss being me in the classroom. I miss not consulting with every other goddamned thing in my fucking class because it’s my fucking class. It’s my lesson. Leave me the fuck alone.

I am not physically tired. I am psychologically fed up with my set-up. I hate this. I just hate it. I’ve become their mouthpiece, really. 

Sometimes, I wish I would just disappear. Or I would wake up one day without the pressure of living. Just me and my existence.  Talking with these fucking people just drains me. Goddamnit, can you just let me do my job?

I Am Not Going to Crack

So I decided to actually write something. Just like what I was already ranting about, I just don’t get my colleagues. How I really wish this year would already end. I don’t care whether I get another year of contract with them or not but I just want this year to be done and over with. It’s just so unbearable, this stress. I have realized in the three years of my career that I really work best alone. 

I am just so happy that I am very much resilient that I am not yet on my knees crying. God, that is something which I am really proud of here in my new school. They say that it’s really difficult being here but truly, they haven’t been where I have been. I am sort of glad that I’ve had that brutal training in my previous school that I can say that being here in my new school isn’t really much of a whirlwind.

That is why I am really looking forward for this year to end. I am just fed up with them. So much mingling. My head is not in the right space this time. They are caring much of my trouble really. They contribute and make things complicated. I’ve always wondered hoe they are going to manage if we reverse the situation. I would very much like them to crack. Never have I felt that I was part of the group. I was the odd one out. They isolate me yet expect me to mingle with them. I just don’t get them. If ever I don’t get my contract extended for another year, I would actually just be very fine with it. 

Though I do not want to leave this school with the reason that I got fired. No, and that thought is the only thing that is keeping me through and for acting to keep my shit together. I will not break. I will not bow down. I will get through this and emerge successful. I will have my revenge and I will have my time. They will be put in their places. I will have a renewed contract next year and I will prove to them that I am much better than they thought. I will be in my element and I will be the best because I am. 

I will never be bogged down by these people who knew nothing of love and professionalism which make me miss my former school. Yes, the work load is shit and the pay is even shittier, but at least my colleagues, especially my team-mates in the second year have made everything bearable.  I just can’t stand my colleagues here. They’re very foul.

Evanescence - If You Don't Mind (Full Studio Version) with lyrics

So...I just got the full studio version of Evanescence's If You Don't Mind. Well, has got something to do with my brother downloading it as a video then converting it. But it's sweet.  I'm uploading the video here because Youtube could be an ass and might take down the video.

Enjoy!

Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction - Don't Go

Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction - Don't Go
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Angst
Characters: Alfons Heiderich and Edward Elric

Evanescence Rock Band Multitracks!

I got me some Evanescence multitracks. :D I just posted it on youtube earlier but I'm also posting it here just to be sure. Youtube could be an ass sometimes.

I'm just going to post Bring Me To Life, Everybody's Fool and Lithium as I got lazy for Call Me When You're Sober.

Bring Me To Life (Acapella)

Bring Me To Life (Instrumental)

Lithium (Acapella)

Lithium (Piano)

Lithium (Instrumental)

Also, I'll be reuploading my lyrics video which youtube took down. Hate it.