Lesser Teacher

I fiercely disagree that those who are literate cannot be numerate and vice versa. I believe otherwise, as literacy is concrete and numeracy is abstract. Ergo, if you are good in the concrete then it means that you are also good in abstraction.

Yes, the school year has ended, but my experience for this year has only given me enough material to bitch about come vacation. And this is that time.

We deliberated on whether certain students will pass or fail certain subjects or be a retainer. Well. I have two students who will take summer classes.

Here in my place, English, Science, and Math are the three major subjects. I have always believed that if you failed English, then you got to be the most lazy-ass person in the pack, because, you know, out of these three major subjects, English is essentially the easiest. And to top it all off, English teachers here in my school actually do all of the interventions and remedies that could be made just for the students to pass a subject. Like, giving the student a retake of a quiz if he failed it, or making a student write an essay in place of a research paper he didn't submit. Or again, to a greater extent, "adjusting" the grade of the student, if you know what I mean.

That is why I have a hard time passing this certain student. I already gave all the intervention that could be given, gave him the talk, talked to his mother, gave some more remediation and voila! Still, he failed the subject. It even came to the point that I told the mother that his son is bound to fail. With a three consecutive failing grades on his report card, he goddamned needed to have an a satisfactory grade for the last quarter to have a passing average so he could avoid having summer classes and seeing my face again. So, with much reflection and determination on my part that I will defend the grade that I was able to calculate, I gave him the red mark.

Come deliberation day, and this student actually failed Math, Science and English. So my colleagues properly concluded that this student was bound to repeat the whole curriculum. Now, I think I already made it clear before in my earlier posts that this school babysits students when it comes to grades, so one of us (me, the Math teacher and the Science teacher) were expected to give way and give the student a passing grade in his/her subject so that the student, instead of being retained, would just have summer class.

It turns out that this school has always been expecting the English teacher to give way.

But it also turns out that they hired a teacher who's not up to expectations.

I know they know the grading system of my subject, but I still gave them a detailed breakdown of the student's grade. And added the fact that I gave the student necessary remedies so he can pull his grades up, but to no avail (the reason for these remedies thing is for me to justify the student's grade in situations like these. It serves as a proof that sometimes, a few students are some serious slack-offs). Of course, the Math and Science teachers are tenured teachers and I know that everybody in the conference already knew that nobody will back-off.

Before the verdict was given, the homeroom adviser was asked about the students' character. Well, he did a pretty neat job of saving him through glossing over the character of the student. But it didn't just cut it. Not when the student does not have enough character to invest in his future and study.

So, the student was retained.

And it makes so much sense.

Here, all of the subjects are taught in English (except for Social Studies and National Language), Science and Math included. So, it follows that if you have troubles listening, reading, speaking or writing in English, then you will have a more difficult time in the content areas and vice versa.

So I really do not see the reason why there are some people who actually expect English teachers to give way. Is it lack of respect for the subject? For the language? Is it a blatant abuse of the generosity of the teachers themselves who let themselves (and their computations) be questioned?

That is another story.

Advanced English Classes Rant

I am going to have an advanced English classes this coming Monday. And I am having mixed feelings about it.

It will be a 2-week class and the students will be attending classes in their major subjects, English, Math and Science. What I like about this is that my students will be the best students of the incoming sophomores. And I am toying with the idea of making this an almost college course. No predictable motivation, presentation, discussion and all those things that bores students in a normal situation. And I am planning to apply everything that I have learned in college about task-based teaching. Therefore, it would be the students who would be doing more work than I am, which, you see, the very reason why these techniques were formulated in the first place. That every lesson must be student-centered and students must be the ones responsible for their own creation of meaning.

But still, I couldn't get rid of preparing an outline of the topics that we will tackle for these two weeks, and I plan on making it oral-intensive. And this is because I noticed that most of our students, if not all, know English grammar perfectly based on standards-based assessments. They know the grammar forms, but they, even the best students, have difficulty in speaking in the language. So this is what I want to hone for two weeks. Apparently, a cohort told me that my lessons for these classes must be introductions of what they are going to discuss come regular school year. And that is just like cold water thrown on me, because I know that our lessons will be research paper and grammar intensive. Yes, we do have a speech program, but sometimes, it is relegated to the sideline because we need to cover topics that will be included in the summative tests. And this defeats the purpose of learning in the first place. But still, still, I am going to push through with my plan, anyway, this is advanced classes. What they must know are things which are not going to be discussed in a regular classroom.

One thing that made me pissed off with this affair, though, is the compensation. We are already spending our "vacation" by making and editing lesson plans and this added burden of teaching in summer is just a bummer. We teachers of the advanced classes will only be given $16.00, tops. Two weeks, people. Fucking two weeks. That wouldn't make so much difference in the long run, wouldn't it?

Well, that's life. Get bored with it.

Repost : A Mental Asylum That Is The School

A repost of an essay which I read from eons ago. I want to thank Elizabeth Lim for letting me.

As in every ordinary day in the lives of students, I, a student myself, have to endure the routinary going and going to schools, of attending to classes, of reciting memorized facts and unloading it on the test paper, of pleasing our professors, of pretended listening to them and to our classmates who report on it.

But did we really ask for this arrangement? Did we really ask for us to be educated in the first place? We always say that we wanted to study, so we will have a better future blah, blah, blah, but is this really what we want? If yes, why then are we always dragging ourselves to attend our classes? In rainy days, why do we always choose to sleep in, and not hurry because we will already be late for the first period? I certainly don’t know the answer of course. But we always said that we wanted to study because we wanted to be better individuals. Many parents have said that education is their only legacy to their children, that is why at our very young age, we, the children go to school in an effort to fulfill our parents’ wishes, which, inevitably and unconsciously, we will imbibe as our own conviction. This is the very reason why we work our butts of for fourteen to sixteen or more years: we are not studying for ourselves; we are studying (and eventually we will work) only to fulfill somebody’s dream.

As in every ordinary student, we fulfill our professors’ wishes disguised as academic requirements. We endure attending classes all in the name of fulfilling the 10% requirement for attendance even though we already know what will happen: the same professor babbling the exact thing written on the subject’s reference book, the exact same slides which were used for god knows how many semesters already, the exact same classmates not listening to the babbling and who are having their own mini-conferences, reading a manga or texting, or simply staring by the window at the swinging palm trees and the neighboring building.

The students are bored, the teacher is bored, and so what do we students get? Nothing. We endure memorizing facts only to be unloaded in our tests papers indifferent to the value of the facts itself (whether or not it can be a million peso question in some TV quiz show). Yes, we know that we belong to the species homo, the Philippines is near the equator and will always be, but we really don’t care. Besides, we can’t really use those facts right? What is its significance when we will work abroad as engineers, or nurses, or mechanics, or domestic workers right? We memorize that the age of fishes is the Devonian period and we are in the Cenozoic era and the Piltdown man is a hoax. We memorize and memorize and memorize. Write the correct answer on the blanks provided. Pass your papers. Get out of the testing room, and pray that you will get enough points to pass the exam.

We endure submitting papers which were made supposedly for us to contribute to the banks of knowledge and sharpen our grasp of a certain topic, we write about a paper on nationalism, of ultranationalism, a reaction or a discourse analysis of a modern adaptation of “As You Like It”, a reflection about Corazon Aquino’s death and its implications on Philippine politics, and a case study about the English speaking skills of a Korean. We tap on our laptops, desktops, or make our fingers bleed in writing drafts to be later typed on a desktop computer at an internet shop. We do those papers, yes, even in the ungodly hours of the night, midnight, and early morning. Click File, Press Print, OK. The clerk manning the internet shop will snatch the print-out and hand it to you and you the most obedient student will hold it as carefully as you can, and check for any errors, crumples or misprints. Oh, you find a misprint, and you say to the clerk, “Uhh, can you reprint it? The whole text is misaligned.” You see the clerk frown and turn to the computer, and reprint your whole 11 pages paper to be submitted right now. We then run to our classroom to hand it over to our professor. Or if our professor suddenly decided to postpone the class, or if he did a no show, we will just have to slid it under the professor’s room, tack it on their office’s door or put it on their pigeon hole of their department.

We also endure that thing called reporting. I admit, sometimes its good, but most of the time it is not. Just imagine yourself listening to another student who was assigned to report, say, Perennialism and Essentialism, you already read the reference book, and you liked the theory of those two, but suddenly, your classmate seemed to just read everything from the book when he presented it. You walk out of the classroom feeling dejected, and feeling that you shouldn’t have attended the class at all. There are also times when we report on something, and the professor suddenly barks that you are wrong. Then if it is wrong, the professor shouldn’t have required reporting in the first place when he doesn’t trust his students anyway. It is ironic to think that we entered the university to study and to learn from these enlightened people, but then what happens is that we endure listening to our classmates who are also groping in the dark about their assigned topic. Pity them for no one will help them (only the very unreliable internet), and pity those who listen to them for they will get nothing. It seemed that the professors, enlightened they may be, are not really experts in imparting that knowledge, because what happens in the classroom when they “teach” is that the students are fed with too much technical terms and jargon: syntax, subject position, phenomenology, objective correlative, chemiosmosis blah blah blah that the students get out of the classroom feeling dizzy. As a remedy, these enlightened professors do not simplify their words, worse, they make the students do their work. Thanks to them, reporting became the sole teaching technique in most subjects in the university.

Who is to blame for all this boredom? Well, that is like asking the chicken and egg question. Of course the professors will blame the students, and the students the professors, but thinking about it, it is not so much about the students being lazy butts. On the contrary, we students are not, because if we are, then we wouldn’t really waste our precious time in fulfilling academic requirements, worse, we could just have dropped out of college. This boredom of the students comes from the repetition of everything that they already know by instinct. They already know that a professor will teach them, they already know that the said professor will give them requirements, and they already know that they will have to do everything that a student needs to do like listening and sitting for one and a half hour without speaking, passively accepting every information and every word from their professor. Why? Well, we students have been sitting and standing and listening for a good fourteen or so years of our lives. In preschool we were taught to behave, to sit properly to be labeled a “good boy” or “good girl” and to be given a star at the end of each class. In grade school, we are taught to respect our teachers and to do what they say we do like dusting the eraser, or buying the teacher her merienda during recess. In high school, we have our all rebelling hormones that tell us to do the very thing our teachers don’t want us to do like smoking or petting in CRs or bringing mobile phones, or simply not wearing our uniform properly. But in the end, we are harassed by school officials, saying that we must not do those, lest they will give us low grades in Values Education. We are taught not to think, not to question, and just please everybody, so we will be labeled a good boy or good girl. If we question, if we defy, if we talked back and reason, we will be labeled “bad” students, and be sent to the guidance counselor.

And then college, all of those restrictions that kept the teenager from pursuing what he or she really wants during the earlier years of schooling were tossed to the pits of history, no more uniforms, no more teachers telling you that cellphones are not allowed, no more preaching teachers, and most importantly the teenager can now be free to reason and to think. However, boredom came in, and the poor teenager’s passion was doused with water, with apathy, not caring anymore if he or she passes. She just continues with her life, waking up and preparing herself to school, entering the classroom and listens to the professor and if it happened that it is her turn to report, she will just read from the powerpoint presentation that she prepared, and go on to the next class, and repeat almost everything that she did in her previous class. All of this we have to do for four to five years in college. Why did it become like this? Well, maybe we became too obedient when we were in grade school and high school that we became very passive students, and we will just yawn and heavily lift our butts from our seats if ever we encounter a professor who wanted to stoke the fire of energy in us.

Then we will suddenly realize that we are out of college; that we are already in the adult world, and no thanks to the education that we received for fourteen years or so, we basically still don’t know what to do. Even though we already have that piece of paper called diploma, we would still end up following the whims of somebody: this time, our boss, our manager, our supervisor, our principal, and Ma’am and Sir. We will still end up in crutches, and it is because we were controlled too much in school, and unknowingly, we followed too much.

The education we received, therefore, is not education, but a control that made us dependent on other people; that made us like servants waiting for a master to tell us what to do. The schools are not producing better individuals therefore, it only produced stringed dolls that can’t think and are blind, and ever wary of the perpetual gaze of the panopticon.

Most Challenged Books

Brought a 2010 almanac and found this section about the "Most Challenged Books". Listed there are the titles of the books and the reasons why they were challenged. And the reasons were homosexuality, violence, religious viewpoints and political viewpoints. Well, fuck, I downloaded and read one or two of them without batting an eyelash.

Point is, if you challenge a book, you are actually luring readers to read the whole fucking thing which you don't want to happen in the first place.

So far, it has been an interesting read, and so far I am not offended at all. So what if American teenagers are having sex while in high school? Don't we know that universally? So what if these teeners are gay and are banging on each other while on drugs? It's not like they won't do it anymore once they have their own families. It's more like, you know, they do fuck each other while on drugs for practice.

Why aren't these moral freaks reacting to the sex, drugs and all the yummy things that are in TV and now in our youth's minds? Talk about consistency again, people.

And mind you, I haven't even read everything, yet. And that's telling something.

Evanescence's Very Much Awaited Album

The year was 2006. Evanescence released their second major label album, "The Open Door."
 

And that's the last I've heard of them.

So, after five years, it's actually a refreshing news that they are already FINALLY going to the studio to record their much (100X) - awaited third album.

Wait.

Isn't this the same news that I heard last 2010?

Yes. They are already in the studio LAST 2010 to pull-off that electro-inspired album with Steve Lillywhite. But you know, it didn't quite fit. And I have to be happy for that because I have always wanted a "heavy" Evanescence record, and so far the band has not yet scratched that itch. I wanted it to be heavier this third time around because "Fallen", is a commercial crap and "The Open Door," is the I-don't-know-what-to-feel-with-this-album album. Also add to the fact that Evanescence is too watered-down for their music to be really considered metal and for them to be truly respected by the metal crowd.

But to be true, when they said they are going to make an electro album, Portishead was not the first thing I thought. It was "Origin."

But suddenly when they announced that they are leaving the studio to write more songs, I was like, "Fuck it, until when will I wait?" and then suddenly I lost interest waiting. But I kept on visiting Amy's and Terry's twitter for any updates, hoping for a sliver of hope.

Fortunately, they announced just last two weeks ago that they are again going to the studio to record with Nick Raskulinecz (I so hope I got that correct).

Here's the guy.

Who, upon listening his other produced works, made me happy. Here is the heavier record I was waiting for.

But again here it is, the band basically dumped pictures and a video and a magazine interview to salivate for and then - silence.

I don't know, but sometimes, Evanescence just likes to jerk-off with their fans. I mean, Twitter is so convenient. 150 characters? Wouldn't take much of their time, actually.

Whatever the fact that's making them tease us unendingly, I do hope to grab that album come Fall.

P.S. Amy twitted a photo of her piano in her studio. Amy's Office
Evanescence is always unpredictable. :D

Japanese Hoopla

I can't understand the brouhaha that people make of with what happened to Japan.

Okay. There was an earthquake. And that is natural because Japan is in the Pacific Ring of Fire. Okay. There was a tsunami and it was because the epicenter of the earthquake was in the sea, so naturally, you would have a tsunami. 

Suddenly all these people seemed concerned with Japan and I can't stand it.

It's natural for Japan to have these kinds of calamities, you just need to get bored with it and thank any existing god that it didn't happen in your backyard.

What do you call it again? Yeah.

Shit happens.

End of School Year Blues

I am just blinks away from the end of the school year.

And I am fucking loving it.

 

So I renewed my contract and all, but it doesn't mean that I like the school. No, I just did that so I wouldn't have difficulties looking for another school. I don't want them asking me why I left the school for only a year, because I don't want to tell them that I freaking hate the TOO much paperwork. I need to save my neck, you see. At least if I stayed for two years, then there is the possibility that they'll think the school where I came from sucks. So, on with my 2-year stay.

I have been making my incoming absence in the lives of my students felt. Today is my last day of classes with them and most of them, well, feel relieved or sad that they wouldn't see me again given that they would have a different teacher next year.

It has been a stressful year for me. I could only count on my fingers the moments when I felt that I am happy with what I am doing. Being the natural worrier that I am doesn't help me at all either. There were days when I felt that I am not human anymore, that I am just waking up and teaching these students just for compliance and for covering the necessary unnecessary information that they need to know to be unloaded on their test papers.

Today, however, I felt that I am going to miss my students.

 

But I do not want to be stuck with them for another year, so...

Go on bastards.

Not looking forward to another school year either.

Approaching Requiem

Only a few weeks and this school year is, finally, going to end. The students are already feeling restless, for they know that vacation draws near. As for me, I feel this wanting to end all of this work and to finish all the requirements and be done with it.

One of the things that we need to do as teachers in that school is to administer oral and written test to determine who among our students would be given an award.

 

I have students from my classes who qualified. And they did well on the written tests.

However, based on the results of the oral tests which were administered by my colleagues from another level, my students sucked majorly.

And it hurts me, actually.

I was thinking, "What did I do?" "What did I NOT do?" They are good in grammar and reading comprehension as what the standard test told me, but I observed during classes that they are not really that communicative, they are so inhibited, and try as I might to encourage them to speak, still sometimes, I do a monologue in class.

So, I saw the results, and no one among my students got the bacon.

And I am sad. As much as I love those students, there's this part of me that feels guilty; I have always viewed them as a reflection of myself. If they fail getting that award; then I failed too. Why do I feel this way anyway? It's because my students, though they are achievers, are always viewed as the underdogs. That was why I was training them as much as I can. We received triumphs like when they won second place in a theatrical presentation, not what we have expected and wanted, but at least, we beat the favorites.

But still, that award is the most important thing to my students, and them not getting it just depresses me.

I already submitted the results to my department chair, but the results aren't announced to the students yet. And I dread the day that I would see the frustration on my students' faces.

I was asking them whether or not they think they will get the award, and I think that they know subconsciously that they didn't get that award. But of course, there is still that tiny flicker of expectation that they would emerge victorious in the end.

Until then, I need to prepare myself to comfort these little, fragile souls, for whenever they look at me, I realize that they depend on me.

Slavery Renewal

It has been two weeks since I last posted something. I promised to myself that I am going to make this blog project a habit, that's why I'm here again, my dear rockers.

So, it's already almost the end of this new year's first month, and earlier, we were already given service renewal forms. I am supposed to submit it tomorrow, but until now, I am still leaving it blank.

I want to say no to renewing my contract and resign altogether because I do not want to do the wrong things that I did inside my classroom. As rebellious as I am, I have to admit that I have been a very bad and disrespectful teacher towards my students, and I do not want to repeat the same thing again next year. But at the same time I also want to stay because I want to erase those mistakes in the coming academic year.

I am feeling stressed while typing this, I already want to sleep now, but because I need to have some time for myself to reflect, I need to stay awake. I also want to stay because I am lazy enough to find my next job. I want to spend my vacation, refuel myself and recover from the emotional wear and tear that I have endured for a whole fucking year.

Again, practicality comes in, if I do resign with only 1 year experience, then it would be difficult for me to find another school to hire me, since they might think that I resigned from my previous teaching post because I had brushed with the powers-that-may-be in the said previous school. Fuck. I just want to say that I don't give a fuck whether I have a job or not. Hell, I can live on my own without even working, not with my apartment that I am renting out.

Teaching has been a very emotionally draining job for me, and now, I am just basically torn between practicality and preserving myself.

Fuck. I so want to rest.

Teen Sexuality or Catholic Propaganda?

Please.

Do not force me to listen to a teen sexuality seminar with a Catholic conservative as the speaker.
But well, when you are supposed to be with your students, there isn't really much thing for you to do but to fucking bear with all the shit the person has been saying.

I wasn't really able to listen to the seminar from start to finish, more like I was only able to see its middle. But anyway, the part where I am already with my students made me use my brains again. I have been taking notes while the speaker has been babbling about safe and so-called "saved" sex, homosexuality, contraception, RH bill, and abortion. And I have to admit that if I am going to give my students an alternative point on the views presented not only by the speaker but also by their school, then I really have to do my homework. And that includes being discreet about it.

As much as I want to, I didn't finish watching the seminar, as my period with the class that I am accompanying already ended. But I was able to scrape very yummy topics that I planned to discuss with them the next day.

Here it is:

"What is morality?"
"What should be our standards of morality?"
"Who/What should tell us what is moral?"
"Is there even such a thing as morality?"
"Is it fair to call gays sinners?"
"Why is the youth turning on to media for information about sex?"
"When does life begin?"
"What really is sanctity of life?"

I asked these 14-year olds whether there was any of their teachers who tried to process the things that they learned in the seminar. A resounding no. I also asked them if they took down notes or questions. Again, a resounding no. Well, the latter didn't surprise me at all, because they were just in that seminar so there would be no classes, and besides, it's not like the priests are dating them for their brains anyway, so I started with my discussion.

First question: Is it fair to call gays sinners?

Well, most of them said, that it is not fair to call gays sinners (and I really thank them for thinking so, at least they can sense that sometimes, their religion is bullshitting them about gays). What made these church people think that these gays are sinners? One brave boy told the class that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with being a gay, the issue of the church with gay people is that man and woman were created for the opposite sex. I told them that gays eat, sleep, drink, walk, buy medicine from a drugstore and so as with straight people. So what's wrong with being gay?

Second: What should be our standards of morality?
This has been a gray area for them, they can't say anything because they are young, and I can't say anything too provocative either. So I let them decide. Thankfully, there was another brave boy who contributed to the discussion that there shouldn't be any standards because what is immoral to one might be just fine for another. A dangerous relativist in the making, I thought. But I told them that morality shouldn't be based on scriptures or doctrinal moral prescriptions and that they should adhere to the universal virtues.

So far, I was succeeding in taking my real perspective undercover while feeding these students the other side of the coin.

Third: Why is the youth turning to media for information about sex?

If my memory doesn't fail me, nobody was able to answer this. But I asked them again if their parents talk about them about sex. Again, a no, but one student was cocky enough to say sometimes. Anyway, whenever I meet parents and ask them if they talk to their children about sex, well, they always answer me with a smile and a shake of the head which is natural, given that sex is a taboo topic, and here in this place, teen sexuality is a kitsch. And asking these students if their school gives them enough information about sex is out of the question, they are in a Catholic school, so by default, nothing about sex.

So I asked them, "No info about sex at home and nothing in school. Where would you go?" Media came as the answer. And I added, "Of course, also from your friends, whose knowledge of sex may be faulty enough to get you into trouble."

This is where I inserted the debate about the RH bill. I told them that we cannot blame the State for doing its job, it is only providing basic services. And that basic service is health. Specifically, the State is targeting health of the mother who spends more energy in producing offsprings. The State knows that the youth and the general public do not have the information that will help them about sex, there is nothing in their homes, there is nothing in the schools, and that is where State enters the picture.

Of course, I also have to criticize the Church, so I added, "If these religious people are so against sex education in schools, why not FORCE the parents to talk to their children about sex in the first place? That would lessen their stress." I told them to require their parents to talk to them about sex, its only a matter of choice between their parents and the erroneous depiction of sex in the media. Choose. If they wouldn't be able to get it from their parents; they wouldn't get it anywhere.

Fourth: When does life begin?

These students are very factual, so they told me that for the Pro-RH bill people, life begins at implantation while for the Anti-RH people, life begins in fertilization. I told them that I believe neither and that the two sides are actually pieces of bullshit. If these people are saying that we can pinpoint when life begins, then there is something wrong with our bodies. Imagine this, if life begins in fertilization, then it means that the egg cell and the sperm cell aren't alive! And if they aren't alive, then there is something wrong with our bodies! How come that something that doesn't have a life actually resides in a breathing human body? It's like saying that the DVD player is working fine, except for its laser reader. I argued that we can never pinpoint when life begins. Their lives where passed on to them by their parents which they received from their own parents and so on and so forth. Life, therefore, is a continuous process. It goes on and on and on.

Fifth: What is sanctity of life?
For them, this concept means that we should respect human life and we shouldn't go killing an unborn child.
Okay. So I argued that this concept is subjective and in using this concept, I could argue that all of us there in that classroom are murderers.

They agreed that their sperm and egg cells have lives.

So, by extension, the girls, by virtue of menstruation, flush down the toilet a single life every month. And the boys kill 299,999,999 lives in a single moment of ejaculation.

And if we are going to be really consistent with this concept of "sanctity of life", why doesn't it apply to cockroaches? We spray Baygon on them. Why doesn't it apply to rats? We feed them Racumin. Why don't we feel guilt whenever we kill these creatures and to think that, to use their language, they are also "God's creation"?

Therefore, I concluded that we are all murderers in that classroom.

I checked if they were comfortable with what I have been discussing, and they said yes. Though there was one who felt uncomfortable... Well, I took it as a compliment, for I knew that deep inside him, he knew that I was right and he was disturbed by that fact.

But then I asked who among them are in favor of the RH bill. No hands. Anti? Well, majority raised their hands. And I realized that, yes, I was able to make them see the other side of the coin and that they were pleased that I discussed it with them, but my one-hour discussion with them is not enough to break the beliefs that were indoctrinated to them by their school for the past 10-12 years.

Memory Is A Fickle Thing

Upon rummaging through my old stuff, I realized that I have accumulated a number of mementos. Letters, magazine clippings, my projects when I was in school and the list goes on. And I felt a little piece of longing to go back to those times when my life was simpler, when all I have to do is to wake up each morning and spend the rest of my day sitting inside the classroom while listening to my teacher; to sit in the isolated parts of the university campus and have a meaningful conversation with my best friends; to wonder as to what would happen to us out there in the real world.

 

I am in the real world now, they say, I am an adult, but still, upon seeing those little mementos of a past life which continuously fade away from my memory every single day, I realized that I have forgotten myself. That I have forgotten to stop, take a back step and see what I did in my life. I let my life slip away so easily, that the only things that I have are a handful of memories that I continue to hold on to, despite the fact that the more days I spend here on this earth, the more they become useless, the more I forget about those said memories, the more I become unreal.

I remember my Philosophy instructor telling us that whenever you cannot remember anything, then the event itself didn't happen at all. Memory is a fickle thing. It shifts and sways with the wind, until one day, you would realize that you didn't happen at all.

That is why I decided to do a scrapbook. 

Or even just a repository of those memories which I tuck away inside my rectangular tin container. I want to open its pages and reminisce about the things that I did which brought me to where I am now. I want to browse through its pages for me to take that backstep and see if what I did with my life measures up to my own yardstick.

I want to browse through its pages and say to myself with determination that I am real and I happened....

Because I remembered.

I Don't Like Noisy People

I don't like noisy people.
It disrupts my inner harmony.
Enough said.

Okay, so one thing that I want to instill in my students is the value of respect, freethinking and shutting the fuck up whenever we have a discussion. It irks me really, especially whenever I stop so that they will stop talking, and then as soon as I start talking they would also talk. Now, how fucked up that is? It just drains me.

I am an introvert, so being a teacher is really counter-intuitive.

"Well, now, boys, you already got your classmates' attention, so shut up now, will ya?"

So much for destroying lives.

If these students' lives are whining, "Oh, my life is a waste...", then I suggest that they should fuck off from the schools and stop making life a waste for their teachers. Really, it disrupts my inner harmony.

I Don't Like Observations

I wasn't able to post anything since last week.
But I am not like other bloggers who make alibis as to why they were dry for a period.

I really do not believe formal observations. I am a very big fan of it, because what you would do is to just bullshit the person who is doing the observation in class. Also, the students know that you are also bullshitting them, for they know what you really are in ordinary days.
I will be observed in my best class, but thankfully, that class has the most passive students. But I trust them, what I do not trust is myself. The topic that I am going to discuss is research and god help me with that topic because of course, the students do not know anything about it. And how am I supposed to include religion content in research? I am stressed out just by thinking about it, and to think that it would still be next week. Still, I am stressed out of my wits. I can deliver any topic, but research? Fuck, that's the first time I'll teach it. And I am going to teach it first thing in the morning. How, unfortunate can that be? Just pure shit.
.
It's not like my salary will increase if I did it well. It turned out good the last time I did it, but I am not in anyway enthusiastic about it right now.
I don't like the idea of other people nosing around my classroom and commenting on how I teach. It helps me in some ways, as it makes me see the things that I am doing incorrectly, but for me, observation is like an implicit way of saying to the teacher that you do not trust him/her, why hire the teacher in the first place?

What stresses me the most is including religion content bullshit in my lesson. Seriously, it bores the students to death. I just hate shoving religion down my students' throats, I was able to do it before, but I do not want to repeat it, especially when I am very ambivalent when it comes to religion. Especially Catholicism.

Anyway, it's already there. I just have to get bored with it.

Suckanescence

I am writing this while listening to Evanescence, and I have to say that I am fucking tired waiting for their third album.

They are supposed to release it last Fall, and then suddenly the release of the album is postoned. And I said, "That's it, I'm officially pissed off."
The last time they released an album was when I was a college freshman in 2006, fuck, I've already earned my degree and licence and the said album still doesn't have a follow-up. Evanescence is a great band. They still are, they proved to the world that America listens to metal and their songs never get old, but if four years going five and you still do not have an album, well, fans get tired waiting. We don't have our whole lives to wait. Yes, I know that Amy Lee is taking her time, but what the fuck, four years and still nothing? We need some new shit. If the band can't, they could very well disband now. Can't the band realize that the world already forgot about rock? They all became Lady Gaga and Bieber suckers.

Their prolonging of the release of their album just prolongs my enduring the crappy music that I hear from my students. I could really use some real music from Evanescence now.

Gaybands

Hey Say Jump.

And all those unknown K-pop boybands.

Well, they're cute.

And they look so gay.

Now, I don't want anybody to be labelling me as a homophobic. Quite the opposite because I AM a gay. It's just that I can't understand Japan. Gay people and relationship are scoffed at in that country and yet they form boybands who do fanservice by hinting at some homoerotic relationship between the members? Give me a fucking break. For all I know, deep inside those girly boys' minds, they think that what they are doing is mere shit. They are doing it for the money, not for the music. And they also think that they feel stupid whenever they embrace, hold hands, or try to kiss their guy bandmate.

But what could they do if there are so many fag hags around clamoring for some gay love? Well, they might as well lick those cunts and kiss and hug and hold hands with their bandmates. Pure fanservice.

And what is dumber is the fact that these female audience knew inside their twisted mind that what they see is pure shit, but they still lap it up with so much shrieks and screams. Chrissakes, I would rather masturbate than shriek for a pseudo-gay love by girly boys.

It looks so fake.

Scrap Grades

It's January once again!

So, I spent my whole Christmas vacation checking my students' outputs and encoding their grades and now that I'm back in school, the only thing left to do is for me to encode their grades in the registrar's office. I so fucking love the feeling that I have accomplished something as fucking uncool as typing another person's shit. Shit. What the fuck am I doing this anyway? Well, in some ways, I love teaching, and teaching is the shit.

But there are also bad-smelling shit about teaching. Of course, we need to show our grades to our department head, and that's where all of the shit happens. Not that I don't like my department head, no, I love her with all my heart, I love her like I love my mother. But what I cannot get a move on with in this teaching shit is the grading shit. Why do I need to pass a student even if he has not exerted any efforts in passing the subject? Why do I need to fucking pull up the grades of the student who went down by two points? Why do I need to fucking not lower the grades of my students who are in the pilot section?

It is unfair for me who worked my pitiful ass even if the students just don't care.

But it is also unfair for the students who will soon graduate without the necessary skills.

If I will pass irresponsible students now, I can just imagine more fucked up families, fucked up communities, and a whole fucked up generation of assholes who cannot think and fend for themselves, not even construct their sentences in correct English.

And I will all the more feel ridiculous.

I promised myself before that the undeserving students will not get the passing grade that they want. But because of this school's coddling nature to the extent of ridiculousness, I can see myself breaking my own oath.

Giving students the grade that they didn't deserve is shitting the student, the parents, and shitting myself. What the fuck is the use of teaching them if you are just going to pass them? Fuck school policies on grading.

It is often said that lawyers are full of shit and that teachers are noble.

No. Actually, it is an open secret that teachers have their lion's share of shitting.

Lawyers do not have the monopoly on lying. Teachers, by virtue of them cheating on the grades of the students, are also liars.

And it is really funny that whenever we want to pass our students, we "adjust" the grades, not "cheat" on the grades. Fuck it.

I studied statistics for two straight terms and it boils down to this? Fuck. I didn't graduate just to make myself instrumental in molding the next generation of retards.

No wonder our country is full of crapshit. We are letting them slip from our fingers EVEN IF WE DON'T FUCKING want to.

Fuck grades.

Stupid Classroom Episode

Oh. What the fuck. I hate feeling stupid.

It feels really stupid when your best students see you inside the classroom of your worst class and you can't do anything to control the fucking class.

The reason the worst classroom became a war zone? Well, they saw the the girls from the section of my best class while the latter was on the way to the Science laboratory.
And I can't fucking believe that my worst class' way of showing off to girls is by throwing books and crumpled paper at each other.

What.The.Fuck.

I feel so stupid. Fuck.

Let me say that again, now, in ALL CAPS.

FUCK!

I feel so depressed now.

Serotonin please.

A Letter to Any of My Students

(Put name of student here),

I am feeling generous this year,so I'll be giving away some stuff to some of my students whom I think has the potential to give our society a little shake - if not an earthquake.
This is just a recording of the shows/books of George Carlin. I hope you know him, but if you don't, then start knowing the man. I am sure that you'll like the guy's ideas. He is dead by the way, but we are not quite sure if he is up there in heaven looking down at us or down in hell looking up at us. Hell, if there is no heaven or hell, then he is just there six feet below the ground making the worms happy, which I know will annoy him because he doesn't really want anybody bothering him. Majority of his ideas are basically the very same ideas which I always hold back whenever I am discussing something in class, for the reason that we are in a Catholic school. Of course, we have that faculty rating bullshit, so I'd rather not share my more radical ideas to the whole class.

Consider this not as a gift, not as a mere collection of some comedian's wisecracks, but rather as a collection of things I didn't say (but I wanted to say) in class.

Remember, "if in doubt, turn left."

Enjoy.

From your totally f***** up teacher,
(My name)

I have students who are really good thinkers that it is a shame they have some lame ambitions like being an architect. 

Still, I want to give them something to make them change their way of thinking. Consider this as an explicit attempt to veer them to liberal thinking. Why give them Carlin's show recordings? Well, I could've said the very same ideas myself during class, but you see, there are some people who cannot help but put their noses inside my fucking class, and my fucking classroom.

Well, I think I tried to insert some other way of thinking during the course of our meetings...

The "neon god" in the song "The Sound of Silence" is home, school, and church, generally the Establishment. And they must start giving this society a little shake by starting to question the things around them.

I have yet to suggest to them the inconsistencies of the teachings of the Catholic church.
I really pity my students, they are made to think that there is only one line of thinking and that is via the Catholic doctrinal perspective and I really feel frustrated that I cannot do what I pledged myself to do once I started teaching: to make my students free thinkers. I want them to realize that morality shouldn't be based on prescriptive doctrines but rather on universal human virtues.

I think I really need to transfer to a public school to be really able to do that.

But for now, I have to resort to Carlin. As much as our ideas are similar, his language is much more solid than mine.

School is Useless

School is useless.

Yes. You heard me. School is useless.

Let me ask you, how much have you remembered your elementary and high school lessons?
And how much of it is helping you now with your job?

Not really much, I know.

Another proof. Students have been taught the eight parts of speech from kinder to high school (fuck, colleges even have basic English subjects) and still, still, students do not seem to remember anything! Until now, no ordinary average person gives a fuck about calculus and how Christopher Columbus fucked up America by naming the natives "Indians".

My point. Relieve the children off the stress that school gives. Leave the teachers fucking alone and let them find another less stressing 8-5 job.

Formal education is just society's way of saving money up. Think of all the teachers that the government will pay if each student has a teacher.

It is just a very cheap way of educating the next generation of workers! But what I cannot understand is that, if they are just going to be teachers, clerks, janitors, doctors, waitresses, lawyers, bank tellers, salesman, etc, what the fuck is the use of forcing them to learn literature, grammar, arithmetic, and Science? What the fuck is the connection?

Scrap formal education. Let us just go back to the apprenticeship system. Sounds more practical to me. Let the children decide for themselves what they want to learn. You want to be an architect? Find someone who will teach you! Want to be a doctor? Find someone who will teach you!

Point is, society has forced education to the throats of the children that by the time they reach adolescence, they are just fucking fed up with studying. You cannot blame them for being bored. Why not let them to choose how they will be educated? Why not teach them to fucking stand by their own feet? Anyway, they are so proud of their dicks proclaiming how they are not a child anymore and can very well take care of themselves. Well, what the fuck are you doing sucking off money from your parents' pockets? School sucks right? So get your ass off to find your own teacher!

Some Serious Psychotic Issues Against Communism

Yes, I came from a secular university, but I have serious psychological hatreds against militant activists. Suppose that Philippines becomes a socialist state...what next?

You are supposed to know that because you are the ones who are pushing for it in the first place. I know, you look always looked up at Cuba, but, it might have escaped your notice but Philippines is not Cuba! We, no, you do not even have someone as charismatic as Fidel Castro to help you. Jose Maria Sison? Where the hell is he? He is in the Netherlands! I have always wondered that if he is a hardcore socialist and if he is the true leader of the Communist Party of the Philippines, why on earth is he not in the last strongholds of communism which are Cuba, Vietnam, North Korea, or China? Consistency. Consistency.

Lenin. 

Lenin fucked up communism as Marx thought it. Okay, Marx said that we need to overthrow the bourgeious majority and let the mode of production be equally distributed to all, but here comes Lenin saying that there must first be a proletarian dictatorship in order for things to be set in place. I say, "To hell with you, Lenin." Calling a proletarian dictatorship is still dictatorship. So, where the hell is the equality there?

And why change the structure of the society in the first place if you are only going to change the faces? It took the Communist Party of Russia more than seventy years to figure that out. And the same nutheads from the Party left their Dear Mother Russia in pieces. So much for a communist revolution, huh.

Same goes for China. 

Well, we have to credit them for being smart enough not to imitate the Russians. But you see, they call themselves communists (or like what the activists like to call them, socialists), they call their country communist, but they have the biggest capitalist system today that USA and Europe actually considers them an "economic miracle." Consistency. You might ask: then why don't they want to be consistent? Because, you see, the members of the Communist Party of China don't have balls. Why? If they admitted to the Chinese people that China is already a capitalist country and no longer a communist one, then they will lose their credibility. They are afraid to lose power. Sounds so bourgeouis. They are scared shitless of what the people will do. And does it sound like the "Mandate of Heaven" to you? Yes, it actually does. Sounds so bourgeouis. And this bourgeouis thinking was what Mao Zedong actually tried to eradicate during the Chinese and Cultural Revolution.

Consistency. Consistency.

You see, communism is not an evil thing...in paper. But I want us to look at the history books and watch the current events and see how well communism/socialism turned out. And if Philippine Maoists/Communists/Leninist/Socialist/wh

atever the hell they want to be called are going to use Russia, Cuba and China as an example, then I can just see how f***** up this country will be.

Stop acting as if you are the only ones who care for this country.

Some Serious Psychological Hatred Against Militant Activists

I have this psychological hatred against activists.

The ones who are asking that our country be socialist? Oh, I f****** hate them.
You see, if you have been in close association with them for a whole f****** year, you would really be changing your perspective, and activist-bashing wouldn't seem to be a bad idea.

Things I hate about them:

1. They go to the streets for a mobilization, then after the said mobilization, they will go straight to the mall.

Seriously people, you are battling capitalism and you will go straight to that big block of a capitalist building telling you to spend all your money on consumer goods?

2. They will tell you that education is a right.

Yes, I agree with you! Education is a f****** right, but only up to 4th year high school. Because you see, you have to f****** work for your college education. You are already in college, son, why not stop asking your parents for your tuition money?

Now I can heare some kids say, "But I am only 16!" You cannot talk about college education without talking about you being a part of the workforce. Here in our country, we get out of high school at 16, which is too young for some companies. Means that you are a kid and you cannot work, which means also that you need to be necessarily sucking off your parents' pockets for your college education. You couldn't work for your college education if you are 16 right? Companies wouldn't accept you. You need to be 18 right? So you necessarily need to fake your documents to go to work, which is a big fuck you to the government and to the company you are working at. So, why not extend basic education to 12 years? Again, again, these activists will again say that it will be again a burden to the parents who need to spend a longer time to pay money. Shit.

These activists need some consistency. If we stick to the 10 year cycle, the parents would have to pay for a longer time because their children graduated as minors, so they would have to pay until these said children are already in their 4th year college. If we do the 12 years, then the parents can choose to stop supporting the child. Why? The kid can already f****** find a job and pay for his own college education! Less burden for the parents. Also, the decision to opt or not to opt for college education would be in the hands of the child now. And this certain child will never have to blame his/her parents for making a fuss out of his/her life.

Consistency. If you activists say that education is a right, wouldn't it be giving more justice to that phrase if it is the student who will choose for his/her own education? That is why it is a right, you can choose whether or not to exercise it. You can choose whether or not to enter college. Consistency.

You say that education is a right and not a privilege. I really agree with you. But it seems to me that your concept of "right" is something that is freely given and a your concept of "privilege" is something that you need to pay for. That is just so totally f***** up. Let me tell you this: Education is both a right and a privilege. It is a right because you can choose to whether to educate yourself or not and it is a privilege because you need to f****** work for it.

Okay. I went a little off-course because of that...Now back to the topic.

3. I also could not understand their socialist-communist mania. 

I mean, you want political independence, you want self-sufficiency, you want decolonization, you want a NATIONAL IDENTITY and you run your organization with a FOREIGN IDEOLOGY? The last time I checked the history books, Marx, whom you consider as the Father of Communism and who formulated communist thought, is a GERMAN. How f***** up can you get? Consistency. Consistency. If you want to liberate this country, how about mishmashing up your OWN ideology? It worked for Russia, it worked for China, why not f***** make it work for your own goddamned country? Patriotism, people.

4. Also, they really like to be identified with the farmers and fishermen.

Not that there is something wrong with it. But you see, if you really want to understand the plight of the farmers and fishermen, live with them! Be them! You cannot fight for them if you haven't experienced planting and harvesting yourself for real! That is why I really find it ridiculous whenever I see a middle-class person parroting the cause of the farmers, because you see, I am a grandchild of a farmer, and never, never did I see anyone of from these activists help him when all of his crops died because of Typhoon Pepeng! You really cannot fight for something which you do not know. Know what you are fighting for first.

5. Same is true for the common workers, say, the jeepney drivers. Don't tag me as apathetic to their plight if I choose NOT to go to a demonstration. You see, I do not have time joining your mobilizations because I am actually busy helping my father out here! I am actually busy studying so that the money that he earns for my education wouldn't go to waste! I am sure as heaven knows that he does not expect me rallying in the streets for him when I am supposed to be in the classroom making each hard-earned cent that he gave me f***** worth it! And besides, you are causing so much traffic that his jeepney couldn't get through. And of course, if there is heavy traffic, he will be stuck and it will actually needlessly consume diesel...so while you are fighting for the rollback of the crude oil prices, you are also actually promoting the products of the oil companies because the gasoline station is where my father will buy the diesel that was needlessly wasted because you caused the heavy traffic in the first place! Who are you really fighting for? My father? Or Shell, Caltex and Petron?

5. Also, also... I really hate it whenever they tag somebody (who is not in the same league as them) as a "reactionist." F***. What the hell is that? Aren't we all reactionists? That is the reason why they became activists in the first place! They REACTED to what they think are the problems of the country. Actually, reacting is what they always do. Reacting is what they are good at. How do I know? Just look at all those protests that they stage. Sure it's exciting at first, but as time goes by, they just sound like a bunch of crybabies who want their toy back. They just become background noise that people don't even seem to notice. And what is so bad about it is that they project their "reactionism" to other people as if they are the only ones who care for the country.

6. They couldn't explain how the fuck they are going to provide the needs of the people once our country becomes socialist.

They said that they are going to provide goods for the people based on their needs. Okay. And how the fuck are they going to gauge specific people's needs? Suppose they give us 1000 cavans of rice, how will they divide it among the people? How can they be sure that it is enough? You see, people are unpredictable, so what if a certain bulky man needed more than what he needs? Will they shoot him? They sure can't because that man is a part of the workforce.

7. They can't explain how they are going to deal with a person who dares question the party thinking.

Their answer is that they party will be more important than the individual. Okay. That didn't answer my question to them at all. They said that they will try to reach a consensus. Okay. That is scary, because what if I am stubborn and I will stay put? I can't be let go by the party because I will sure cause a disruption to the system that they built because I have a different way of thinking. So I think, I think the party will have to neutralize me, that is, silence me, KILL me. Then is the time that the party will be above the individual.

You see, activists, you are not the only ones who care for this country. So stop acting like you are.

You have an issue with capitalism? Get f***** bored with it. Capitalism works for the country, let our country learn from her mistakes, let her ditch capitalism if she wants. The more and more you babble about capitalism, the more and more I think that you are just resentful towards the wealth that they have.

And another thing... Oh, this did not come from me because you know, I am not as intelligent as you are, activism is like a dick, it is fine to have one, it is fine to show it in public, but never, ever shove it right through someone's throat!

Do We Really Have A Core?

Do we, as humans, really have a core or are we just trying to put ourselves into this kind of illusion to have some stability in this essentially unstable existence?
 

I believe firmly on the latter.

Human society and civilization itself wouldn't survive without man trying to put order in the chaotic nature of his surroundings.

He needs order and he needs to make sense of his world and the people around him. thus, the never-ending construction of concepts and tangibles that he knew would strangle him someday.
However, it is unfortunate that that someday also collides with the same construction of principles and tangibles.

Man, as rational as he is, cannot anymore withdraw from the constructs which he built; try as he might to resist it. thus, he constructs new things hoping that this new abstracts and tangibles would help him. But no, he ends up strangling himself all the more.
what really is the reason for this construct/meaning-making?

It only has one answer.

Existence itself doesn't have a core, humans don't have a core, there is no core.
It is an illusion man created to comfort himself.

These ideas are not new anymore, but this idea frees us from the superficiality of life. with this kind of realization, it is easier to understand suffering, it is easier to understand wars, and most importantly, through this, it is easier to accept the human condition and the mortality of man.

School Sucks!

It is so uncool from stopping teachers to be cool.

For the longest time ever, there haven't been any model for a modern teacher. Whenever we hear the word "teacher", what we see is the figure of a spinster with her hair in a bun, wearing half-moon spectacles, and that smug and uppity posture that surely irritates me.

No wonder students viewed teachers and the time spent on school as S-even C-rappy H-ours O-f O-ur L-ives. S.C.H.O.O.L.

Don't worry, kids, the feeling is mutual.

Who wants to spend time standing in front of 50+ students who are not listening to you?
Who wants to spend time checking test papers?
Who wants to spend time crafting lesson plans?
Who wants to spend time dealing with parents who do care about grades but do not care about how much their child has learned and then shout at the teacher?
Who wants to spend time dealing with the principal?
Who wants to spend their entire f****** lifetime thinking of other people? In this case, kids?

Unfortunately, that's my job.

You see, kids, I want you to imagine that 8 hours we spend on teaching.  I could have written a book or read a whole book with that time, f***, I could have even taught my own brother!
So, do not go on strutting your asses on our noses telling us that school sucks, because well, you don't need to tell us that, because you see, you came in school and suddenly school sucked.

But what I hate so much is stopping us from rocking the roll...

I have a colleague, who with other colleagues, have been asked to perform in front of the students. Sure, that colleague of mine rocked the house singing in the tune of songs the kids adored. But to our dismay, days after the performance, one of our older colleagues said that yes, some might have appreciated his performance, but some might not. And you see, there is no particular reason for that depreciation.

Were they scandalized? It's not like my colleague did a strip show.

Are they worried that the reputation of my colleague might have gotten down? I don't think so, kids are always proud of a teacher who literally rocks their world.

It's the stuff of their wet dreams, actually.

If these other colleagues of ours are so bent on protecting our reputation, it's actually surprising that they hired us in the first place. No. Scratch that. If they are so bent on protecting the kids from teachers who rock, it's actually surprising that they built a school in the first place.

*sigh*

Stopping the teachers from being cool is so uncool. Remember that.