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Friday, March 16, 2012

Resignation Blues


I envy him.

People sometimes just do not have contentment in life.

I have this classmate who graduated Magna cum laude in from the same university where I studied. We were batchmates, but we were never really close. The only connection we have was that we were both English majors. I envy him in some ways, especially when I learned that he was accepted in an exclusive all-boys school where the pay was good. And from what I can read from his blog, he’s goddamned enjoying his stay there while I am here, wallowing in despair about my wrong choice of a school.

Lately, upon reading his blog, I was just surprised to see his unbosoming. To realize that he was still not contented with what he had was really a slap on my face. I want what he has, he made a better choice than I did, but still, he can’t get enough. He was already there, he was taking his M.A. classes already in a university as credible as ours, he was teaching in a school much better than where I am, but still, he craves.

And I feel envious, I also crave what he has, but I do not have the courage to step out of my comfort zone, I know I can be like him, I know I can be better than him, but there is something in me that makes me step back. Always. Fear of rejection, fear of not being adequate, fear of the unknown, fear of everything that in the end, I always end up making the wrong decision.

We graduated from the same university, I also have a Latin honor like him, but what I never had was the courage, the guts to get what he really wanted, as opposed to me who could only dream and wallow in regret from afar.

He would be leaving this country to embark on a new world, a new country, while I am still here craving what he already grew tired of.

But still, I dream that someday, I would be like him, I would have the courage to step out and reach for my dreams. 

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